Friendships

Do friendships have a season ?

I’ve been reflecting upon the last twelve months.

October 2017 was not a good one.

Disappointments, several cancellations of birthday plans and consequent loss of work and income, lies and deceit.  Realisations of deep rooted memories returning and #Motherships diagnosis of cognitive impairment.

I was totally overwhelmed without anyone to confide in.

Therapy was at its roughest darkest point for me.

Maybe it was no different to any other October I’ve endured ?

Perhaps as all my protective reflexes have been exposed I’m more aware of them now ?

Today as I left the house I had the strongest auto response to text my whereabouts and plan for the afternoon.  To a certain someone. *

Little rituals that I loved.

The thoughts that someone cared about me.

Of course it was a bigger mirage and fantasyland than any casualties recounting hairy moments of survival measures and rescue similar to those in  Bear Grylls and Ray Mears documentaries.

It made me quite sad.  Not because I’d been systematically mentally seduced but because he told me several times I should always count on him as a “friend”.

How we believe a friend should be is not their interpretation of what is made available.

There are many types of friendships.  Some merely passing acquaintances that we have good rapport with for a few hours whenever paths cross.  Other types are situational, work/travel/holiday destination etc…..  All transient moments and enjoyed for what they bring at the time.  Neither party expecting anything more than casual exchange for the duration of that moment.

I’m due to start Uni next week.  It’s a mini “introduction to Psychology” – a chance to explore a new degree before fully committing to a conditional acceptance in January 2019.  I’ve always been interested in other people.  I do enjoy people watching.  Possibly a bit nosey, but I’m genuinely curious as to what makes people really tick.  Not the pretty package on show.

Only by looking under the hood’ of others I now realise it’s really a deeper desire to learn about me as I’ve always been the common denominator in attracting a certain type of person.  I won’t list personality types, we all know what we personally find acceptable from those that claim to care or those that want to be an important part of our lives.

Whilst a year of therapy wasn’t nearly enough to deal with decades of numbness, denial, betrayal and multiple unconnected non familial assaults, it did give me the basic tools to recognise myself starting to mimic old patterns.  Whilst writing this piece a beautiful comment following my last blog post arrived and reduced me to tears.

In a world of anger, injustice and the decimation of human values and brutal loss of innocent lives, we must learn to find ‘our happy’ on the inside first.

We shouldn’t expect others to be kind, caring, supportive and loving.  Not until we are rounded individuals can we truly be ourselves and find genuine care friendships and strength in others ?

My friendships in real life are currently non existent.  I have acquaintances.  For this I only have myself to blame.  I never developed life tools to freely trust without question.  I’ve not allowed myself to grow into the mature adult I was destined to be.

Nature/nurture debates will continue.  The social media armchair therapists will try their best to understand what I’m trying to explore/articulate into common understanding.  The eye rollers will continue to judge me without asking for clarity or understanding.  I’m learning not to bite and direct my anger where it’s neither necessary nor fruitful.

My experiences have always been learnt at the violent hands and minds of others.

Was that my fault for not recognising all the red flags or was it the clever minds of tricksters and defilers who recognised and steered my reactions and manipulated accordingly.

October 2018 is drawing to a close for me in a mentally healthier state than October 2017 left me.  My lowest acknowledged point.

I will continue to question everything.

And then try not to doubt myself so much for attempting to explain my gut feelings away for not giving someone a fair chance.

My main friendships have been found through my anonymity using Twitter.  I’ve been brutally authentic to the point of being totally misunderstood and (unfairly) treated after initial ‘friendliness’ turned sour dependant upon my poor phrasing and possibly lack of their emotional intelligence and empathetic understanding of my ‘back story’.

Whilst social media is not addressing all my needs it’s currently my guiding light to develop healthy friendships.

I’d like to take this opportunity to humbly thank those who have had patience, understanding and held my hand throughout my ‘emotional roller coaster of discovery in Hell’

Much love

Swirly

* I found the strength. It was difficult. I didn’t text

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 30 October 2018