Content Warning: Mild reference to mental abuse.
I’ve had long spells of celibacy sporadically from my twenties right up until I met “the mind wizard”.
I went on dates, with lovely men (or so I thought at the time) it was rare to meet someone that knew how to communicate with me. I let a few goods ones slip away as the timing was so very wrong – on more than one occasion. It never felt quite right. It took another 15 years before the reason why was made apparent.
I’d never considered why. I was not one for casual sex, one night stands, sleeping around. Call it what you will. I never judged my friends. I didn’t understand how it was possible to be so carefree, where some of their choices gave me the shudders.
It just wasn’t for me. A few “holiday romances” abroad left me feeling cheap and soiled. Not for me. No drama. My friends said I was far too particular. I just thought I had higher standards and a moral compass back then.
I grew up with the reality of Aids in the UK and the bombardment of adverts and safe sex awareness.
I never had unprotected sex. I was very capable of insisting the use of condoms or I’d leave.
I’m very confused as to what the hell I was subjected to and whether it was the natural responses or planted ones when I first started travelling to the man. Never once did he travel to my hometown or offer to pay for my fare.
I gave the mind-wizard “orgasm/touch control” whatever it’s called. I would follow daily instructions implicitly. PlayDates were frequently cancelled last minute so I was basically held hostage within a non consensual controlled chastity. he said I was to ask if I wanted to orgasm. This comment followed my questions/doubting his care of me. his infrequent communication/silent treatment started up when I asked questions. Also, I was not allowed to phone him unless given permission. This heightened anxiety for me, concerned for my correct phrasing without intonation of my playfulness. his eventual multiple texts, as rarely would I hear his voice, would be sent with a rapid machine gun fire of retaliation and cruelty. Then silence again until invariably, though not my fault, I would apologise because the unexplained punishments were unbearable.
In truth ? I never wanted to ask permission. I enjoyed him having total power over me.
he took the fun /tease/denial aspect away and stamped on it.
I’ve now been celibate again for quite some time. More than 12 months.
I can turn off my desires completely. I don’t want to touch / come /edge / masturbate. Once my mind is no longer engaged all arousal disappears.
I guess that’s my celibacy blog post ?
At the height of good communication with him, I started having involuntary orgasm and wet dreams. I have a voracious sexual appetite when aroused – having him be totally “responsible” for my body was addictive. A drug and my body in the wrong hands.
I do enjoy sex and letting my guard down. Not rebuilding granite walls is something I don’t know how to manage right now.
Some days, It’s overwhelming to be reminded and process.
I didn’t feel cared for or respected, despite the words (that I finally realised have always been lies), I took that control away. It was a very long time before I realised I could say NO.
I was only then aware of why I made myself celibate. It was not a thought out conscious decision. I learnt a lot about myself when I met “the mind-wizard”.
Full Celibacy was my self protection and shut down from ever becoming a target for assault.
On a positive note.
Apart from the horrendous realisations of my d/s experiences with him – he showed me that I am able to trust and be touched sexually again.
It’s just that he was the worst choice of all the Rapists I’ve met and endured.
28 Jan 2019
@Swirlingfire, 28 January 2019
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Celibate”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.