SwirlingFire: Light in the Dark

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Content Advisory

General references to rape and rape-play. NO details or descriptions.

 

Light in the Dark

Do you acknowledge CNC/RAPE fantasy and DV/RAPE to be totally different ?

CNC is seen as a “taboo” kink – mainly by those of us who don’t understand what it involves.  Far from any awkward ways of describing what is or isn’t, I don’t wish to delve into trigger areas for readers.

This is how I’ve navigated through a lot of my own misconceptions about this genre of play.  I’ve been targeted with abuse online.  I’m stronger now to delve deeper.

The following is a fair representation of my thoughts and distress as a recovering trauma and as a novice submissive that endured d/s abuse.

To new eyes discovering BDSM, it looks and sounds the same. 

Is there such a thing as consensual rape If so what is it exactly

The lines may be very blurred for some Rape Survivors in recovery within a BDSM environment.  This is NOT KS, this is what we endured first hand.

If you’re new to identifying that you have kinky tendencies, please look at the checklist as a starting point for what you are agreeing to.

 Consensually, with your partner:

https://lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com/kinkchecklist-lovingbdsm/ 

A picture paints a thousand words.  We don’t all view art in the same way. 

Choice.  Respect.  Consent.

Not judging others by our own moral compass is not without merit or failings.

Following on from reading a post regarding triggers and the consequences of not using them – several unaddressed tweets for the writer were tweeted and many jumped upon the bash ’em bandwagon – without the blog attached for context.

The post content was flipped by the reader to isolate 7 or 8 words from a paragraph, then taking confused thought out of context. 

This is the piece in full context. 

To take one sentence out of a paragraph, of course its shocking.  That was the point being made.  What one sees as Yummy is great for those concerned, yet is taboo for others.

Nobody sees everything through the same eyes.

This is one example of how powerful images and words can be if one is not expecting it.  Now multiply that by dozens of pieces of writing passing by without warning.

Reading one of my posts without any prior knowledge of #mindWizard and indeed, how I process information without any outside support, then if one purposefully decides that judging and insulting me by taking one pre-lightbulb out loud thought, out of context is the adult way to behave? 

This publicly shows us, we have more narcissists amongst us.

Sad unhappy souls, unfortunately these are the people we know as friends and colleagues. They need help. I hope they are brave enough to seek it out. Except many are delusional and unaware they are mocked behind closed doors.

When I make mistakes in phrasing, it is 100% accidental – I don’t deliberately and purposefully set out, with informed full conscience to post comments to bully others / attack etc as others do towards me. 

Judgemental comments from a different moral compass rarely points True North 

Floss’  recent post used a description “forced play” 

I opened the link as I didn’t recognise the term.  I’m still in my Infancy learning the “correct terms” and how to phrase my ongoing confusion and acceptance of my d/s abuse, what my kinks are.

I only learnt what arouses #mindWizard.

We never discussed what my interests might be.

If it was this easy to describe the perceived taboo kink then why was another’s primary approach attack and berate not educate ?

No one before this has EVER explained CNC so adroitly.

NOW, after three years of unprovoked online attacks, I understand what it means.

“Forced play”, as it was eloquently described,  is now totally understandable for me, without causing flashbacks.  This is what was acted out on me.  Without my educated consent.

We are all hurting from many different life experiences.  I‘m grateful for that post and I gained valuable information and insight.

We can either choose to learn and educate ourselves and others – help to prevent others from making our mistakes or point out kindly the more preferred ways.

I’ve asked people to remove comments from my timeline threads several times.  It’s not difficult.  I think I’ve handled it with care, explaining my reasons for the request. 

There wasn’t ensuing public drama.

I’m happy not allowing others to make my mistakes for the clique pack to make it all about them.  Again.

We can choose to be that one light in the dark, that we are not alone and show dignity to one another and not behaving as judgemental bullies.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-hurting-others-mistreated/

This is exactly how mindwizard engaged me in my training as my mentor.  It’s also a very common form of unprovoked assault I’ve received directly or indirectly from Twitter.

Mindwizard took elements of Rape into his play with me.  Some aspects from MY Rapes, specifics I’d shared that he must avoid, but he did them anyway. 

NCNC if I’m being brutally honest.

Not SSC or RACK.

I was not respected or cared for.

I didn’t know this wasn’t correct practice

I did not understand hard limits, boundaries and granting/revoking consent.

It further traumatised me and I was too scared to ‘safe word’ and spoil his fun as that wasn’t knowing my place.

The look of disappointment on his face on those rare occasions he realised I wasn’t enjoying his ministrations, it distressed me and made me feel a failure.

My tears from trauma memories returning aroused him.

I wasn’t being a “good girl”

Those two words together make me want to vomit.  They were used to pacify / fob me off when I started making connections to bad practice.

They were used to belittle and humiliate me 

I hate those words:

Controlling 

Sickening

Manipulative

With #mindWizard,  I was at the receiving end as it was all non-consensual.  Never once talking before or after a scene.  I never knew about checklists, vetting, etc. 

When I was dismissed from his bed the mornings after, often collared and chained to the bed, with silent treatment or a cold shoulder many times, it was very distressing for me.

I told myself months later, when asking around, it was probably “dom drop”.  It could have been.  I’ll never know.

I knew I’d not done anything wrong. 

I was made to feel I had.

Punished and ignored for up to a week following a visit.

he did everything he wanted to me without a word of complaint or a safe word from me.

Then, to be dispatched out of his home earlier and earlier than pre agreed time or day, without aftercare. Whilst he sexted other women – I was Still in his house!! Sending those texts to me in error on several occasions. 

Then, dumped with my bag in the car park,  I’d then encounter a long train journey home, with route changes, alone, ignored, in pain, sometimes vaginal bleeding and, rapidly dropping.  Not aware of what was happening to me.

Thus, reflecting today, perhaps a realistic explanation of how my mind currently processed NC forced play as abuse.

My mentor and my training in the best ways for him were very twisted in his favour, not the healthy guided and caring development that you’ve all had and benefited from. 

Many of you judge me from a very privileged background of experience.  Heaven forbid I should call you out on your insensitivities and ignorant comments?  I shall leave you to hang yourselves.

Many still criticise, judge and publicly insult me, then joke about blocking me without knowing why.  Ironically, throwing stones from their glass houses that will one day smash around them.

For these reasons, I find it stressful to reintegrate with the wider majority.

I don’t hate anybody.  I don’t understand many – big difference

So basically, if I see people behaving like a dick then my conclusion is, you’re exactly like mindWizard.  You’re irrelevant.

It’s the only way I learnt, being submissive to a man that is Selfish, insensitive, devoid of empathy and that gorgeous little word – one more time for clarity – Narcissistic. 

Displaying unhealthy actions and behaviours as a reaction now and again is not uncommon, especially when we are frustrated with a situation.  Within a specific boundary it’s treated as a cry for help.

To repeat the same set of manipulative and selfish ways for ones own personal gain, repeatedly ?  Indicative that MH issues are present and displayed for all to see.

A person in deep denial. 

Blaming others.

 “I’m always right. My friends tell me all the time”   

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/cyberbullying-adults-online-abuse-facebook-instagram-a8891701.html

Our first basic point to take on board, stop with this vicious gaslight subtweeting and following the instructions from clique pack elitist bad behaviours. Talk to each other. Educate one another.

If you don’t see the correlation of how one tweet can whip up a frenzy to incite hate to escalate –  perhaps you’re part of the problem?

 

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@SwirlingFire 2 August 2019

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