I recently published a post Consent & Contracts on how contracts in D/s can at best blur the issues of consent and at worst lead to abuse.
When I wrote it I had in mind to write a separate post relating how I migrated from the world of fantasy in to a full blown real chastity D/s relationship, which included the use of a contract. So here it is.
[Safety warning: There are themes here regarding issues of consent and potential abuse that could be troubling.]
Before I knew about online sites I had some fantasy thoughts about being submissive to dominant women and one of those vague thoughts included a nod towards chastity.
Not a fully formed idea until the Miller’s created the CB-2000 and had the bright idea of making a website to sell it from. Suddenly one could handle something real for £100 and deeper fantasies could take root.
I’m afraid that I have a very low opinion of most subs in online forums which dates back to my earliest online explorations. There’s the velcro collars, the incessant “do me” and the evil of what I call the Munchhausen sub – the one who responds to a domme asking “how should I punish my sub ?” (stupid question btw) with a long list of authoritative rules mandating the extreme fantasies he masturbates to whilst never having actually been a sub.
I have a particularly low regard for the majority of chastity subs. I think that’s partly because I was there, swimming in that cesspit and didn’t know how divorced from the reality it was. My opinion evolved as I learned the reality and became even stronger when I helped my mistress administer her online chastity courses.
The vast majority of chastity subs think chastity is a game of tease and denial. They think they are being submissive if they ask a female to tease and frustrate them for a little while. The undying loyalty they swear to her lasts until she says “no, you can’t cum” once too often. At which point they tend to storm off in a tantrum, have their orgasm and look for the next female to swear undying loyalty to if she “keeps them in chastity”.
From helping with the online chastity courses I can tell you that 95% last less than 3 days and few of those remaining last beyond a week.
Even before I learned the reality I knew something was wrong with this picture. It sure didn’t look like D/s and it seemed hard to understand what the attraction was for a female – it seemed like a lot of work handling the entitled assumption that she just loved being told how to tease a male, only to get anger and abuse for her troubles. It’s no wonder that there’s a lot of domme burnout in this area.
Only later did I grasp what the attraction was. It was in finding that 1%-2% with potential. That’s a lot of endured disappointment to find one sub. The payoff is that for that 1%-2% chastity is the most effective male training tool there is. We’ll come to that shortly.
Enough of my jaundiced take on this part of the online world. I know of some ‘subs’ who have spent over 20 years trapped in this behaviour and are convinced it is the real thing. What I wanted to post about was escaping that trap, the path and process to learning first what the reality of chastity is and then how that sublimates in to a D/s relationship serving a domme.
I came across her on CollarMe showing a moderate profile interested in keyholding. If I’d seen some of her ‘strict domme’ profiles at that point I would never have had the courage to approach her. All sorts of coincidences here, I learned that I’d been reading some lovely writing on Informed Consent that turned out to be hers and she’d noticed some of my own writings.
How does one convert from all those online ingrained misconceptions to the reality of a female in the flesh holding a key to that thing uncomfortably clamped around your dick ?
Let’s be clear about this, a chastity device is not comfortable. A lot of effort is expended on minimising the discomfort. It’s amazing how many chastity porn stories have a male trapped by a female who puts an unmeasured device on him and he’s comfortable in it for the rest of the story. Doesn’t happen !! And back in those days design and manufacturing of chastity devices left a lot to be desired.
It’s a slow process (or should be) to get used to the device. A day, then two, then perhaps a week etc. The anatomy adjusts and conforms to the device and the settings will probably change as a result. All as part of reaching the stage where the key can be relinquished from the sub’s control.
And yes, there’s the pain of erections confined within the cage. In day time these can be mitigated because you can adjust how the device sits. Every chastity sub will tell you about the agony of the nocturnal erections. Waking with the device awkwardly clamped to the shaft creating a painful constriction. The attempt to pee through that constriction as the way to relieve the pressure.
My own anatomical problem being that whilst not more than average length I was a grower, especially when it came to girth. My perennial problem was that even the largest rings for devices could be painfully restrictive when I grew.
We used part of this time to get to know one another a little better and she conformed to the stereotype of the online chastity domme with plenty of erotic teasing – not that I knew any better at that point. Then there was talk of a chastity contract !
She suggested 6 months. I suggested a certain guarantee of releases. She suggested elements of D/s and punishments for bad behaviour. I was too far gone in the erotic attention to have a clue what that meant.
Although I knew that a contract was unenforceable, I did (and do) have my own sense of honour – my word is my bond, as they say. God, did she soon learn to play on that.
For the first few weeks she continued to play the lovable, bubbly “fluffy” domme. All erotic tease, taking joy in my details of suffering (having seen waves of such emails from subs enrolled on chastity courses, there’s nothing new and original here – totally boring to the recipient). The time between release increasing because I knew I only had a limited number across the six months.
Then she changed. The “fluffy” domme disappeared and she became the domme from hell. There was nothing I could do right. She plunged me in to despair in my inadequacy as a sub. I was hurt, I wanted to run down in to a rabbit hole and pull the earth down on top of me. She played on my word on that contract to make sure my honour just about over rode my desire to quit.
Then she decided I’d got worse and needed real punishment. This involved the ‘Points of Intrigue’ for the CB. Initially a punishment would be for a day or two, but she could find a new infraction at the drop of a hat. Why I failed to run away, I have no idea. At some point the punishment of the Points of Intrigue became indefinite and I was largely too traumatised to care any more.
Indefinite actually became something over 3 weeks. During that time I barely slept, I increasingly became a zombie. And then with a bit of light hallucination thrown in, I was broken and somewhat tentatively came out the other side to inner peace and greener pastures.
And suddenly she was no longer the domme from hell, she could now take the time to build me back up to be the sub she wanted me to be. The harmful misconceptions I started with replaced with not just the harsh clarity of reality, but the love of a domme proud of her sub.
I wasn’t ready for the information at the time, but I learned later just how deliberate her actions were and just how much she’d giggled her way through most of that time. Even I knew by then that the contract was rendered meaningless and it was consigned to history as a means to an end. No need for the formulaic rote behaviour of the online subs, no need for calls to honour a list of meaningless rules. Only one rule applied, she was my domme and everything else was negotiable.
We spent a long time as domme and sub before she had to give it in. The chastity was a key stone in our relationship but no longer defined it, though by the end it had just naturally become permanent chastity.
When I look at this story in the light of how we understand the importance of consent I have to acknowledge that consent was, if not broken, then heavily mangled around the edges. Today, I would very definitely categorise her period as the domme from hell as abuse, especially if I heard of something similar happening to another sub.
I’m somewhat conflicted in that by what I understand now about consent I find some of these actions worthy of censure. And yet, I can think of no other way I could have become so effectively attuned to the D/s lifestyle and all the wonderful times it has given me.