When I first starting spending time with mindWizard I had no idea what my kinks were or how to articulate themes. I would get phases of him sending perfect bodied adults in typical B&W photos/gif.
Not once did I knowingly consent to any other activity except OTK spanking. In agreeing to be his mentored virgin sub in training I was not told the usual care and respect and attention to mental safety a Dom gives his sub would be denied me and never made available to me. I was not allowed to have feelings or fall for him which based on a poly non-mon non-exclusive vanilla setup was understood but totally alien from a similar BDSM “relationship/dynamic). The main issue between us I’ve come to understand was not just basic healthy respectful communication – it was because we used the same words but both attached different dictionary definitions to those same words. My mentor is a Monster. I was so caught up in the #LoveBombing stages I didn’t see his Machiavelli personality. Other than that, reflecting on those early days, I didn’t have a clue what I’d actually agreed to.
“I’ll be your Protector. You can sleep with other men but you must ask me first “
What he wouldn’t allow was his name to be connected to me. Anywhere. An invisible protector. At the time I thought he was watching me develop from afar. Pfffttt it’s so he could behave in a clandestine way with many more of you ladies.
“I’m poly” he told me. Except the dozen or so others didn’t know
Lies and unethical non monogamy. Unprotected sex and lying about sexual health are his riskiest unspoken kinks. I dread to think how many women have been exposed to this niche brand of destruction and disrespect.
Shouting, insulting, frequent bouts of #gaslighting then silent treatment, then reemergence as though nothing had happened. Making dates and cancelling last minute. I lost out by hundreds of pounds because of his disgraceful behaviour (cancelled work, work turned down, outfits/grooming, travel etc) My last tally was almost a thousand pounds. I learn the hard way.
I was told he was “ poly “ – when I asked questions the answers didn’t feel ‘right’. My boundaries were dismissed and ignored. My dating history was a mess. I never felt safe with men. At that time I hadn’t accessed my trauma. Years of the way women are conditioned regarding sexual assaults had made me conclude it was always my default. This particular man’s behaviour in both comments and actions were very familiar to me.
All boundaries were set by him. I didn’t know any better or why he would say such spiteful things to me that were not even connected to a current conversation.
I realise now this was the start of his nonsense. I probably hadn’t done anything wrong – I accept responsibility that probably my awkwardness in phrasing my fears had been his verbal cues” ?
It was a familiar reboot/default for me.
I never once questioned it was not my fault
If I were to go back over the sms messages afterwards I’d be so distressed and confused. What had I typed that caused this man to lose his temper ?
No care. No feelings. No respect.
This is how men had always behaved.
I was never his Good Girl. This phrase was used to control me, not as a reward.
The phrase was only used to fob me off when I started asking questions. When finally, this dumb Bitch realised her prescription glasses were not Rose tinted any longer.
The familiar silent treatment had started in earnest
I was sent the familiar stomach churning text – rarely phone calls.
A weekend he’d cancelled seeing me as he preferred some fresh meat and was off fucking and hitting other women instead of me.
“GoodGirl. Thank you”
Ask. Insult. Silence. Crumbs. Relief & Compliance. Praise. Repeat.
The cycle had been carved in stone. It took a very long time to realise the holding pattern was a perfect guise to fuel the savage beast and still give him access to all the other women paraded across the timelines. Collared and in “relationships” with him faster than some change their bio.
“We don’t have a dynamic. I told you!!!!! This is not a relationship. I’m training you to find your own dom.“
The chemicals in my brain had turned my thinking upside down. It was too late. The damage had already been done. I accepted his ways as “that’s how a sub is trained” – I had no means to discuss anything with anyone as I wasn’t to have my name linked to his or compromise his privacy ?
How do you vet a d type when one is forbidden to say he’s training you ?
The more questions I asked of mindWizard to learn and understand or if we exchanged tumblr style pic to discuss if I could try it or what he wanted and suggestions of his, I resisted, I found myself punished without warning for extended periods of time.
@Swirlingfire, 22 March 2019
Inspired for #WickedWednesday #Mentor prompt by SwirlingFire: Burn
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Mentor”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.