When I first starting spending time with mindWizard I had no idea what my kinks were or how to articulate themes. I would get phases of him sending perfect bodied adults in typical B&W photos/gif.
Not once did I knowingly consent to any other activity except OTK spanking. In agreeing to be his mentored virgin sub in training I was not told the usual care and respect and attention to mental safety a Dom gives his sub would be denied me and never made available to me. I was not allowed to have feelings or fall for him which based on a poly non-mon non-exclusive vanilla setup was understood but totally alien from a similar BDSM “relationship/dynamic). The main issue between us I’ve come to understand was not just basic healthy respectful communication – it was because we used the same words but both attached different dictionary definitions to those same words. My mentor is a Monster. I was so caught up in the #LoveBombing stages I didn’t see his Machiavelli personality. Other than that, reflecting on those early days, I didn’t have a clue what I’d actually agreed to.
“I’ll be your Protector. You can sleep with other men but you must ask me first “
What he wouldn’t allow was his name to be connected to me. Anywhere. An invisible protector. At the time I thought he was watching me develop from afar. Pfffttt it’s so he could behave in a clandestine way with many more of you ladies.
“I’m poly” he told me. Except the dozen or so others didn’t know
Lies and unethical non monogamy. Unprotected sex and lying about sexual health are his riskiest unspoken kinks. I dread to think how many women have been exposed to this niche brand of destruction and disrespect.
Shouting, insulting, frequent bouts of #gaslighting then silent treatment, then reemergence as though nothing had happened. Making dates and cancelling last minute. I lost out by hundreds of pounds because of his disgraceful behaviour (cancelled work, work turned down, outfits/grooming, travel etc) My last tally was almost a thousand pounds. I learn the hard way.
I was told he was “ poly “ – when I asked questions the answers didn’t feel ‘right’. My boundaries were dismissed and ignored. My dating history was a mess. I never felt safe with men. At that time I hadn’t accessed my trauma. Years of the way women are conditioned regarding sexual assaults had made me conclude it was always my default. This particular man’s behaviour in both comments and actions were very familiar to me.
All boundaries were set by him. I didn’t know any better or why he would say such spiteful things to me that were not even connected to a current conversation.
I realise now this was the start of his nonsense. I probably hadn’t done anything wrong – I accept responsibility that probably my awkwardness in phrasing my fears had been his verbal cues” ?
It was a familiar reboot/default for me.
I never once questioned it was not my fault
If I were to go back over the sms messages afterwards I’d be so distressed and confused. What had I typed that caused this man to lose his temper ?
No care. No feelings. No respect.
This is how men had always behaved.
I was never his Good Girl. This phrase was used to control me, not as a reward.
The phrase was only used to fob me off when I started asking questions. When finally, this dumb Bitch realised her prescription glasses were not Rose tinted any longer.
The familiar silent treatment had started in earnest
I was sent the familiar stomach churning text – rarely phone calls.
A weekend he’d cancelled seeing me as he preferred some fresh meat and was off fucking and hitting other women instead of me.
“GoodGirl. Thank you”
Ask. Insult. Silence. Crumbs. Relief & Compliance. Praise. Repeat.
The cycle had been carved in stone. It took a very long time to realise the holding pattern was a perfect guise to fuel the savage beast and still give him access to all the other women paraded across the timelines. Collared and in “relationships” with him faster than some change their bio.
“We don’t have a dynamic. I told you!!!!! This is not a relationship. I’m training you to find your own dom.“
The chemicals in my brain had turned my thinking upside down. It was too late. The damage had already been done. I accepted his ways as “that’s how a sub is trained” – I had no means to discuss anything with anyone as I wasn’t to have my name linked to his or compromise his privacy ?
How do you vet a d type when one is forbidden to say he’s training you ?
The Dangers and Signs of Twue Doms and Emotional Abusers in the BDSM Community via @IAmMxRuby
The more questions I asked of mindWizard to learn and understand or if we exchanged tumblr style pic to discuss if I could try it or what he wanted and suggestions of his, I resisted, I found myself punished without warning for extended periods of time.
@Swirlingfire, 22 March 2019
Inspired for #WickedWednesday #Mentor prompt by SwirlingFire: Burn
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Mentor”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.
March 30, 2019 @ 9:56 pm
This was bravely compiled – painful for you to go back and analyse how it wet wrong and spiralled into toxicity. But the importance of you sharing so that people can learn from your misfortune and perhaps avoid it, or pull themselves away from something that is going awry.
As several people have said you are stronger than you know. And very worthy of being in the #WickedWednesday top 3!!! Woooooo Hoooooo! xx
March 26, 2019 @ 6:25 pm
This is such an emotional piece and I am glad that you have been able to share it. I think it is much easier to end up being on the receiving end of abuse than people imagine especially when it is to do with the manipulation of the mind and the thoughts. You have been really strong and I am glad that you were able to see him for what he was and break free 😊
March 26, 2019 @ 7:26 pm
Thankyou for reading my blog
I appreciate your understanding
March 26, 2019 @ 9:56 pm
You are welcome swirly. It was a really interesting post 😊
March 25, 2019 @ 6:47 pm
Thank you for sharing! I’ve had a similar experience in a previous relationship. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to a point of sharing it. let alone reliving it. You are strong 🙂 – Sadie
March 25, 2019 @ 10:12 pm
Urgghh I’m so sorry to read you’ve had similar experiences.
Thank you and I appreciate you acknowledging my words that I’m not exaggerating or losing my mind
Wishing you a full recovery
March 25, 2019 @ 12:50 pm
Emotional abuse thrives by isolating people and starting in a hidden relationship gave him extra purchase. You’ve done brilliantly to be in a place to write about this for exposing what it can look like and feel like might give someone else power in their own life.
March 25, 2019 @ 10:10 pm
Thankyou so much for understanding me
March 24, 2019 @ 5:35 pm
Swirly, you are so strong for having gotten through this, and now writing about it. I know you might not feel strong, but know that many people do think you are. Thank you for sharing something that was obviously very painful to write.
March 24, 2019 @ 10:39 pm
I thought the prompt was a brilliant one for me.
I’d written BURN and with a bit of a refresh and extra background info it would work.
This one developed legs and a life of it’s own.
Kicked punched and wrung me out.
Its probably been the most difficult thing I’ve written to date.
I don’t feel at all strong today but I do appreciate you and others holding me up
thankyou so very much for your thoughts
Swirly 🌻 xx