SwirlingFire: Swirling Reflections

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Swirling Reflections

Sitting up in bed with a cuppa.

Awake for hours.

I set the alarm for a day I’m not working.  Plus the clocks went back an hour (GMT), so a 5.30am rude awakening.

Feeling the grip at my throat;

It’s not the physical hand of another.

It’s the mental vice that held me “in my place” for so long.

Willing tears back.

Knowing if I set them free it’s as though I’m accepting defeat.

Attempting once again to pretend to be fine.

Accepting everything in my past and learning to balance what I caused to happen,  how I allowed the occurrences, why I didn’t manage to stop things sooner.

After decades of silence the last 12 months of discovery of reality, unprecedented deception and new emotional / physical abuse.   Learning to use my voice, only to then have it stamped on (both on Twitter and in real life);

MonroeUnderstanding that all my personality flaws and defects were subconsciously created and expertly delivered to hold people away.

Avoiding intimacy.

Denying love.

Tears well up & start to roll.

No sound.

I’d learnt to internalise emotion to remain under the radar.

The disadvantages to this clever little trick is that everyone thinks I’m incredibly strong. I don’t need anyone or anything.  I’m the “go to” person for help/support/problem solving.

Whilst the whole time the deepest core of my being is screaming silently to be held.

To feel safe.

To trust someone again.

Trust Anyone.

I have the shoes to walk forwards.

I’m just sad I’m doing it alone.


Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 28 October 2018