Sitting up in bed with a cuppa.
Awake for hours.
I set the alarm for a day I’m not working. Plus the clocks went back an hour (GMT), so a 5.30am rude awakening.
Feeling the grip at my throat;
It’s not the physical hand of another.
It’s the mental vice that held me “in my place” for so long.
Willing tears back.
Knowing if I set them free it’s as though I’m accepting defeat.
Attempting once again to pretend to be fine.
Accepting everything in my past and learning to balance what I caused to happen, how I allowed the occurrences, why I didn’t manage to stop things sooner.
After decades of silence the last 12 months of discovery of reality, unprecedented deception and new emotional / physical abuse. Learning to use my voice, only to then have it stamped on (both on Twitter and in real life);
Understanding that all my personality flaws and defects were subconsciously created and expertly delivered to hold people away.
Tears well up & start to roll.
I’d learnt to internalise emotion to remain under the radar.
The disadvantages to this clever little trick is that everyone thinks I’m incredibly strong. I don’t need anyone or anything. I’m the “go to” person for help/support/problem solving.
Whilst the whole time the deepest core of my being is screaming silently to be held.
To feel safe.
To trust someone again.
I have the shoes to walk forwards.
I’m just sad I’m doing it alone.
@Swirlingfire, 28 October 2018