SwirlingFire: Swirling Reflections

By | October 29, 2018

SwirlingFire

Swirling Reflections

Sitting up in bed with a cuppa.

Awake for hours.

I set the alarm for a day I’m not working.  Plus the clocks went back an hour (GMT), so a 5.30am rude awakening.

Feeling the grip at my throat;

It’s not the physical hand of another.

It’s the mental vice that held me “in my place” for so long.

Willing tears back.

Knowing if I set them free it’s as though I’m accepting defeat.

Attempting once again to pretend to be fine.

Accepting everything in my past and learning to balance what I caused to happen,  how I allowed the occurrences, why I didn’t manage to stop things sooner.

After decades of silence the last 12 months of discovery of reality, unprecedented deception and new emotional / physical abuse.   Learning to use my voice, only to then have it stamped on (both on Twitter and in real life);

MonroeUnderstanding that all my personality flaws and defects were subconsciously created and expertly delivered to hold people away.

Avoiding intimacy.

Denying love.

Tears well up & start to roll.

No sound.

I’d learnt to internalise emotion to remain under the radar.

The disadvantages to this clever little trick is that everyone thinks I’m incredibly strong. I don’t need anyone or anything.  I’m the “go to” person for help/support/problem solving.

Whilst the whole time the deepest core of my being is screaming silently to be held.

To feel safe.

To trust someone again.

Trust Anyone.

I have the shoes to walk forwards.

I’m just sad I’m doing it alone.

 

Swirlingfire: A history

@Swirlingfire, 28 October 2018

 

4 thoughts on “SwirlingFire: Swirling Reflections

  1. books1799

    You always seem to me as someone who it would be a great pleasure to know and to read of your suffering is very sad. I love your sense of humour, your photographs, the way you care for your mother and much more besides.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Dear CP…
      Your beautifull sentiments have brought tears to my eyes.
      I don’t see myself that way at all.
      It’s pleasing to know some people now see through broken veneers of varnish to the inside xx

      Reply
  2. Posy Churchgate

    These are always tough times when your sub-conscious gets out all it’s nastiest little ‘toys’ to play a tormenting game with you. Going over old ground and putting the worst spin on it, mind game 101.

    You are stronger than you think, although I don’t doubt that you’re often putting on an act, for survival purposes. You are growing, you are shrugging this off a little at a time. Sharing is good.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      I always have more questions than I have sufficient answers. I’m still self censoring. I’m still quite confused recalling / retrieving (?) Memories…. we’re our own worst critics aren’t we?
      Thank you for taking the time to read and also respond. Your feedback shoves me forward a little more each time. I’m very grateful for your kind d thought….. Swirly x

      Reply

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