SwirlingFire: Swirling Reflections
Swirling Reflections
Sitting up in bed with a cuppa.
Awake for hours.
I set the alarm for a day I’m not working. Plus the clocks went back an hour (GMT), so a 5.30am rude awakening.
Feeling the grip at my throat;
It’s not the physical hand of another.
It’s the mental vice that held me “in my place” for so long.
Willing tears back.
Knowing if I set them free it’s as though I’m accepting defeat.
Attempting once again to pretend to be fine.
Accepting everything in my past and learning to balance what I caused to happen, how I allowed the occurrences, why I didn’t manage to stop things sooner.
After decades of silence the last 12 months of discovery of reality, unprecedented deception and new emotional / physical abuse. Learning to use my voice, only to then have it stamped on (both on Twitter and in real life);
Understanding that all my personality flaws and defects were subconsciously created and expertly delivered to hold people away.
Avoiding intimacy.
Denying love.
Tears well up & start to roll.
No sound.
I’d learnt to internalise emotion to remain under the radar.
The disadvantages to this clever little trick is that everyone thinks I’m incredibly strong. I don’t need anyone or anything. I’m the “go to” person for help/support/problem solving.
Whilst the whole time the deepest core of my being is screaming silently to be held.
To feel safe.
To trust someone again.
Trust Anyone.
I have the shoes to walk forwards.
I’m just sad I’m doing it alone.
@Swirlingfire, 28 October 2018
October 30, 2018 @ 2:29 pm
You always seem to me as someone who it would be a great pleasure to know and to read of your suffering is very sad. I love your sense of humour, your photographs, the way you care for your mother and much more besides.
October 30, 2018 @ 3:05 pm
Dear CP…
Your beautifull sentiments have brought tears to my eyes.
I don’t see myself that way at all.
It’s pleasing to know some people now see through broken veneers of varnish to the inside xx
October 29, 2018 @ 7:40 pm
These are always tough times when your sub-conscious gets out all it’s nastiest little ‘toys’ to play a tormenting game with you. Going over old ground and putting the worst spin on it, mind game 101.
You are stronger than you think, although I don’t doubt that you’re often putting on an act, for survival purposes. You are growing, you are shrugging this off a little at a time. Sharing is good.
October 29, 2018 @ 9:46 pm
I always have more questions than I have sufficient answers. I’m still self censoring. I’m still quite confused recalling / retrieving (?) Memories…. we’re our own worst critics aren’t we?
Thank you for taking the time to read and also respond. Your feedback shoves me forward a little more each time. I’m very grateful for your kind d thought….. Swirly x