I tend to get caught up in semantics and precisely what a word means to me. Lately my thoughts have turned to the word vulnerable and it’s sibling, vulnerability and how my changing perceptions relate to another key word, trust.
I had a long time definition of what trust in a domme meant to me. It was to reach the state where my mind was fully open and she could explore every dark recess, understand the knobs and switches of every dark vulnerability and I could trust her to keep it to herself, to not abuse what she found.
That definition has worked for so long that I was caught by surprise when I realised that in my current circumstances it is rendered obsolete.
Sure my mind is open to her. It’s open in a way it never has been before. She’s a skilled hypnotist and has several years experience of rummaging in my mind and gently manipulating it. She knows how to manipulate me, sometimes quite specifically rather than more general efforts. She knows how to use my protective sub-conscious as an ally.
To me, trust is a variable thing. The better you know someone and the history of their interactions with you, then the trust can become stronger. However, within that variability is always the question in a D/s context of, what is my confidence that those dark vulnerabilities will not be exposed and exploited ?
I’ve realised that for me, the word trust implies an inverse relationship to exploitation where the value for potential exploitability is always non-zero. In other words, it’s a calculated gamble to trust.
And this is where the surprise has come in the last couple of months. I find that I no longer have any such vulnerabilities when it comes to her !!! Anything she might exploit is for positive reinforcement only, otherwise the exploitability is genuinely zero because she’s absolutely not interested in playing on those fears.
And when I come back to the semantics. If the exploitability factor is zero, then in a mathematic sense the trust value becomes infinite. I’ve gone beyond the need to trust, it’s no longer a factor with her. I may not be invincible (she regularly proves that) but I no longer consider myself vulnerable when she demonstrates her power over me.
As much as it was a surprise to come to this realisation, it’s a pretty rare gift to accept that someone can turn every dial inside me without giving me the slightest concern.
January 8, 2019 @ 1:54 pm
that is an amazing place to be – am happy for you –
I have always suffered with trust – often by just not letting myself be vulnerable enough to put myself in that position. But also because i have been let down. I have got better with my man but i do feel it is something i still need to work on
January 8, 2019 @ 2:12 pm
Thank you, May. Always look forward to your comments.
We all have to take that initial D/s gamble about trust. It’s one of the most nerve-wracking things because you are in effect inviting someone to abuse and betray. To do it again having been betrayed takes a lot of courage to address those needs inside you.
What really caught my attention was thinking about the vulnerability in the darkest corners of my mind and discovering that in her knowing it all, I’m not actually vulnerable. When I was owned I certainly never got to or conceived such a state, so this is new depths for me.
January 6, 2019 @ 3:00 pm
Lifetime Achievement Goals!
What an excellent post
So extreme opposite to my experiences of Trust.
I love this piece
It portrays Hope for others
Swirly xx 🌻
January 6, 2019 @ 3:04 pm
Thanks, Swirly. This has been in my head for a while, before I saw your own piece. So it’s a coincidence that the blog has two contrasting experiences of trust put out at the same time.