SwirlingFire: Whose Collar Is This ?

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  • Gaslighting
  • Mental Abuse

I was walking home from work tonight, a usual occurrence.   A few recent chats had been swirling around my head

Firstly ……

are submissives a certain type of character in general terms ?


are S types very open about who they are and life traumas experienced ?


are S types a certain genre of people that “gravitates” to bdsm/kink through consenting coercion and curiosity to be “signed up ” by an unscrupulous dom ?  A sub frenzy of curious experimentation to control and consent what happens to them where in former lives it was absent/abused


are S types psychologically “damaged” and crave to be wanted / admired / valued / desired and loved for all our parts and not despite all their failed attempts at intimacy ?

These are questions that I’m currently working through and will no doubt return to at a much later date.

The chat in particular was a throwaway comment referencing the slang term – “#Velcrodom”.

It’s a term I’d heard a few times and although I understood the words and how the phrase was intended, I still didn’t realise the impact those words would have upon me.

I had read about “collaring ceremonies” and the importance/significance of wearing one.

When in the early days I was asked

“Will you wear my collar ?”

I asked for full explanation as I understood early on this was not an exclusive monogamous  relationship.

In response to the question I was sent the typical B&W romantic genre BDSM pics as his answer.

Yes I knew what it meant.  I was not able to express my concerns – what did it mean TO HIM ?  Another question unanswered that was met with a new repetitive cycle of annoyance, dismissal and silence.  I never did receive his explanation.  Also, I was completely naive.  I didn’t have reference or previous knowledge to know any correct terms to explain myself and my concerns

I knew nothing of: play partner, informed consent,  SSC/RACK.  Nothing was consensual.  I’d only been given the opportunity to allow blanket consent of any and all play of his choosing.   Never knowing what would happen to me from one visit to the next.  He had wormed and twisted his way so deeply into my mind I never knew at that time,  that his behaviour was not okay.

his stern voice:

 “you just wear it when you’re with me!

What’s the big deal !?

What don’t you get !?”

I was made to feel stupid and childish for not agreeing to this desire of his

My gut had screamed at me it was wrong, even though I didn’t understand why or the sub text of mental abuse.

My ability to speak up for myself at the time was totally absent.  Frozen with panic. Tearful, but being brave.

The collar he first secured around my neck was one he used for all his other women.

I didn’t realise it didn’t mean anything to any of them.  It was explained –

this is just what happens when we’re together.

At that time this collar was too big and stiff, too wide and it chafed.  I felt strangled, my inability to express carefully chosen words and expressions without an argument starting and how much I didn’t want to wear it.  I didn’t like it. (I later learned it was a posture collar. Totally unsuited to me) I didn’t feel good about myself wearing it.  I didn’t want to wear this particular collar.  To explain to those that are unfamiliar with the ritual of being padlocked into this collar, for me – it felt as though I was sleeping in soiled sheets that many other women have lain upon and the bedding has never been changed.

Once again, I felt My gut kicking in and then being mocked by him and made to feel foolish.

Much later and texting before the next visit I did very carefully and gently explain the collar didn’t fit and was not a pleasurable experience.  I had to gently show concerns with carefully constructed and considered phrases to avoid arguments / chastisement / punishments.

Trying to explain myself in phrases that wouldn’t anger him.  To try to explain something even I didn’t understand.

Very soon afterwards I was shown a brand new and unworn freshly purchased tissue paper wrapped collar and matching cuffs. I was assured these were “mine” and only for me”.  I was even told I could take the collar home to wear in bed to help me sleep.

Yet I was never offered the collar to pack in my case.  Visits were cut shorter than agreed.  I was left in silence to pack my clothes away.   It felt as though he couldn’t get me out of his home and dumped at the train station fast enough.

Though I was never exclusively owned or given a public / heartfelt day collar, I didn’t know at the time how much that gesture of being made to wear a collar (that meant nothing) as an unowned sub would mess with my sense of self and my submission had been taken not earned or respected and caringly valued, but used.  In all the wrong ways.

It was only the brutal act of knowing “my” play collar was now around someone else’s neck the bile rose and I almost vomited over myself.  SwirlingFire: Reality Kicks In

We believe what we’re told.  My psychology lecturer explained the concept “The Conformity of Rules”

A man that has permission and the power to control me.  To squeeze my neck so tight I trusted him to stop.  I never once questioned that he would squeeze freewill from my mind.

[Editor’s addendum:  In the same way that SwirlingFire tends to write from a depersonalised perspective, I try to approach this process in a similar way and to refrain from inserting my own view and opinions on what she writes – that will be done in extensive private discussions.

However, when I read the raw draft I had some strong reactions to it.  The idea that someone could think that a posture collar was fine for a novice on their first time blew my mind.  For a posture collar to be anything but a device for punishment and abuse takes weeks or months of careful training.

The idea of being told that being locked in a posture collar is ‘normal’ for every sub left me speechless.]

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 24 November 2018