Humiliation play, this is an awkward one. Done within consensual, negotiated boundaries there’s a fair number will safely enjoy this type of play.
I recently became reacquainted with an old post by @_floss_84 on cuckolding that includes a passage on the humiliation aspect that I asked to reproduce for this piece.
Humiliation – Why have I, after saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.
This is a strong advocate for the good consensual side of humiliation and I hope people who partake, or wish to partake, take this onboard.
In contrast, written about the same time was a great post by (CW: Non Consensual) furcissy analysing the ‘sissy’ label and the almost persistent use of humiliation in damaging, confusing, pejorative and non-consensual ways.
My own path through kink and gender started through the ‘sissy’ space as the only available outlet and I’ve written some scathing posts, especially on the expectations for humiliation to be applied in a negative and cruel fashion. Take a look at the various ‘meat’ market sites, FetLife, Twitter or google FemDom. Virtually every single domme conforms to the advertising stereotype. She’s harsh, strict and callous. She calls subs betas, destined to be abused, humiliated and hurt with full disdain. Add the ‘sissy’ word in there and all the demons from Pandora’s box come crawling out.
I believe that humiliation play is one area where there is a big difference between male and female subs. The male sub is likely conditioned to it already from real life based on an overwhelming fear of discovery.
Most likely he has battled embarrassment, self-consciousness, shame, or regret about his kinks. Learning to lock all this away, to hide it from everyone. In his head he has all sorts of worst case scenarios from visualising the reactions of other people, some may even have had the reality of it. It can become an essential “truth” in their mind and become a deep seated need as a sub to experience that mind numbing fear and humiliation for being what he is / wants to be. It can be easily used as a trigger for their submission.
The one thing above all others that a male sub wants, is attention. The apparent way for subs, especially new ones, to garner attention is to exhibit desires for all the things he sees that a domme wants. The disparity in numbers between dommes and subs often means that he will try to display more and more extreme versions of these seemingly mandatory behaviours in order to attract attention.
And when he gets some attention – oh boy, catnip.
At this level, humiliation can be self-reinforcing and very negative. I’ve seen a number of subs fall into the trap, a kink fetish to cross dress where humiliation is used as programming to extremes. Where the sub comes to believe that his ultimate desire is to be a slut, a whore and many can be programmed to believe he’s supposed to be constantly available to ‘real alpha’ men. What often starts as fantasy roleplay can become very real.
It’s a very well worn script because it’s how both sub and domme have been led to behave from the way the label is used in porn, especially story Gifs.
Recently talking to the former mistress on this and although she catered to it for certain clients she came to hate the process and its outcome as being demeaning to the concept of being female.
This was echoed in a tweet that went past on my timeline from a respected domme:
I am always happy to administer real-time punishment, as long as I agree it is warranted. Having gender issues does not warrant severe punishment. We are what we are, there is nothing shameful in the knowledge you are in the wrong body. Punishment is not the answer
From observation I’d say that there is often a keen interest or desire for humiliation from subs who cross dress with an internal vision of ultra girliness and the associated subservience of that role. They are likely to be comfortable in understanding that this is their relaxation outlet. At the end of play the role can be put aside, though a very few will get so immersed in the role that it becomes all too real.
For those who have gender issues, especially when struggling to understand what it means, it is very destructive. Quite simply, you’re told that the person you want or even need to be is a freak, shameful and many other negative associations. I’m sure this contributes significantly to mental health issues common with MtoF transgendered. The above quoted domme is absolutely correct, sadly there are many who will happily provide punishment to those with gender issues, reinforcing the same ‘wrongness’ that humiliation induces.
Yes, I have been lucky to encounter dommes who quickly recognised before I did that my issues were transgender and not roleplay. I do understand how some get great enjoyment and release out of humiliation play and all respect to them. It’s just that I’m very jaundiced from all the destruction I have seen.
Written for the #TellMeAbout prompt “Erotic Humiliation #11”. Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.
July 12, 2019 @ 6:35 pm
I see a lot of this in the gay kink community as well. There is a strong tendency among a certain type of dominant, especially so-called ‘alphas’ to equate submissiveness with being feminized, and it drives me crazy. These guys refer to their subs as ‘she’, ‘princess’, ‘boiwife’, and ‘girl’, and talk about the sub as having a ‘clitty’ instead of a penis. It relies on an assumption that gender is a very simple sliding scale with male on one side and female on the other, so that if a man isn’t being the dominant partner, he is demasculinized and therefore feminized–a person without masculinity is automatically female.
I love verbal abuse and humiliation, but there’s a healthy way and an unhealthy way to do it. https://gaybdsmfiction.blog/2019/07/10/concerning-humiliation-and-verbal-abuse/
July 12, 2019 @ 8:47 pm
Excellent point. I’m not that familiar with the gay community, but I know it has many similarities to the attitudes, expectations/assumptions and labels of the FemDom world.
The vast majority of new subs, especially since they now tend to start from online, are almost pre-conditioned to believe this unhealthy way is the correct or only way to express their kink. It is a strong or lucky sub who learns the difference between healthy and unhealthy before they get some degree of damage.
Many thanks for an interesting comment.
July 12, 2019 @ 8:57 pm
And I think it is compounded by the general misogyny of Western society, where ‘female’ is so heavily coded as bad, weak, negative, passive, soft, and so on. There are times when I genuinely can’t figure out how maledoms and femsubs can navigate this stuff in a healthy way. How do they avoid all the bleed-over from misogyny into their relationship? If I were straight, I suspect I couldn’t ever feel comfortable being dominant the way I like to dominate guys.
July 12, 2019 @ 9:12 pm
I think that most of the long term successful M/f relationships I know of have come together in real life rather than online. The relationship has grown organically with respect before something like humiliation play becomes part of the toy kit. Several of the other posts in this prompt seem to echo this.
However, you’re right when it comes to male subs. The pool of male subs is almost infinite, I believe this is why so many have to start online and where they get their first ideas of what the “correct” behaviour and fantasies are supposed to be. It is assumed that the ultimate humiliation is to be cast in the role of the most demeaning female caricature possible. I talked to my former mistress about this recently. She learned to hate this side of being a domme with a passion because it was such a demeaning representation of women used as fantasy.
July 6, 2019 @ 10:28 am
Thank you for adding this post to the meme melody. It is always interesting to read about the different experiences and interpretations. I too follow furcissy and we have been friends for a while. His view, like yours, is always helpful as you both come from such a different viewpoint and experience to me. I write from the point of view of a female sub in a secure and long term marriage with my Dominant husband, so I can see that the way that we explore things will be quite different. Feeling ultimately safe and secure in my position is what allows me to experiment with humiliation and to use it to enter the submissive space that I would not be able to get to otherwise. It pushes me into the realms of unsafe whilst still remaining ultimately remaining safe if that makes any sense. Thank you for a thought provoking piece, as always.
July 6, 2019 @ 10:44 am
You hit the nail on the head. I’m sure that humiliation play is one of the (few) areas where the female and male sub experience can be radically different. Of the descriptions I’ve read from female subs, including on this link up, it is generally part of a secure and stable relationship where any humiliation play grows organically. The safe/unsafe thing can be hard to explain. My version of that is that my domme will cause me pain, but never hurt me.
It wasn’t until I started reading #TellMeAbout that I came across other people who read furcissy and I was very glad to find them as he’s very erudite and thought provoking. I’ve had some great discussions with him.
Thank you for the comment ❤💋
July 6, 2019 @ 1:48 pm
Yes same here. We have been lucky to have him at The SafeworD/s Club too. He is very knowledgeable and has helped me a lot.
July 3, 2019 @ 6:21 am
Great post Melody. I’m definitely keen to see the various takes on this topic. I’ve had lots of subs, always men,get in touch with me asking if I’d humiliate them for ‘x, y, z’ the answer is no based on the fact I don’t provide it as a service to strangers, but also for reasons mentioned in your post. The things they asked for struck me as too real, and too close to their truth and then it stops being fun for me. I guess for some folks that might mean I’m a bit of a soft/light player, but I am good with that analysis. I’d rather keep everything fun and safe, than risk taking people down paths were I’d do more harm than good. Thank you for reading and picking up on my cuckold post too 🙂 x
July 4, 2019 @ 7:43 am
Some good thoughts here. I certainly don’t see any reason for people to think of you as soft or light, it’s a principled position that you come from. You’re out there, so you probably get to see more ‘strange’ requests from male subs than most.
Sounds as if you sense that they’re asking to be mocked for who they are and what turns them on – kind of the wrong way around, don’t you think ?
July 2, 2019 @ 12:35 pm
Thank you for this post.
I’ve always had difficulty with understanding the role of a ‘sissy’, being a female myself. I never really fully understood the appeal. Thank you for pointing out how abusive it can become.
July 2, 2019 @ 1:24 pm
Thank you for the comment. Ridicule in roleplay is inherent in much of the “sissy” space. The Internet has helped turn the erotic appeal of this into expectations of abuse and it’s depressing to have seen that evolution.
July 1, 2019 @ 9:37 pm
This is a terrific and really thoughtful post. 👏💖
July 2, 2019 @ 9:50 am
Lovely of you to say so, thank you. One of my “soap box” topics.
July 1, 2019 @ 9:10 am
Powerful post, as always you sort through the layers of grey and help me see clearer definitions. Great share.
July 1, 2019 @ 1:41 pm
Thank you, Posy. As you see from Floss’ post, consensual erotic humiliation in the bedroom or within a relationship is one thing, and is the foundation of a genre of ‘hot’ erotica. The way that male subs tend to enter the world of D/s is a very different beast. For many, accepting non-consensual humiliation is the only way to get to play their kinks and fetishes.
As you can tell, it gets me on my soap box 🤦♀️
July 1, 2019 @ 11:11 pm
On Your Soap Box – Rightly so I’d say from the differences you both hi-light, and the mental health issues the situation can exacerbate.
June 30, 2019 @ 9:44 pm
Thank you for your thoughts on this Melody. I read furcissy’s post as well and any type of humiliation is still so hard for me to grasp ahold of. I understand that erotic humiliation can send your sub deep into a submissive mental space (not subspace) and I see the intrigue for especially male subs.
June 30, 2019 @ 10:44 pm
furcissy writes some very good posts. We have similar understanding of the motivations and dynamics of male subs, especially in this space. He tends to write from the perspective of one who acknowledges how it has damaged him personally. I tend to write as one who knows how close they came to that dark pit.
Thanks for reading xx
June 30, 2019 @ 4:40 pm
This is a very thought provoking post Melody
June 30, 2019 @ 4:41 pm