[TellMeAbout] Humiliation

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Humiliation play, this is an awkward one.  Done within consensual, negotiated boundaries there’s a fair number will safely enjoy this type of play.

I recently became reacquainted with an old post by @_floss_84 on cuckolding that includes a passage on the humiliation aspect that I asked to reproduce for this piece.

Humiliation – Why have I, after saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.

This is a strong advocate for the good consensual side of humiliation and I hope people who partake, or wish to partake, take this onboard.

In contrast, written about the same time was a great post by (CW: Non Consensual) furcissy analysing the ‘sissy’ label and the almost persistent use of humiliation in damaging, confusing, pejorative and non-consensual ways.

My own path through kink and gender started through the ‘sissy’ space as the only available outlet and I’ve written some scathing posts, especially on the expectations for humiliation to be applied in a negative and cruel fashion.  Take a look at the various ‘meat’ market sites, FetLife, Twitter or google FemDom.  Virtually every single domme conforms to the advertising stereotype.  She’s harsh, strict and callous.  She calls subs betas, destined to be abused, humiliated and hurt with full disdain.  Add the ‘sissy’ word in there and all the demons from Pandora’s box come crawling out.

I believe that humiliation play is one area where there is a big difference between male and female subs.  The male sub is likely conditioned to it already from real life based on an overwhelming fear of discovery.

Most likely he has battled embarrassment, self-consciousness, shame, or regret about his kinks.  Learning to lock all this away, to hide it from everyone.  In his head he has all sorts of worst case scenarios from visualising the reactions of other people, some may even have had the reality of it.  It can become an essential “truth” in their mind and become a deep seated need as a sub to experience that mind numbing fear and humiliation for being what he is / wants to be.  It can be easily used as a trigger for their submission.

The one thing above all others that a male sub wants, is attention.  The apparent way for subs, especially new ones, to garner attention is to exhibit desires for all the things he sees that a domme wants.  The disparity in numbers between dommes and subs often means that he will try to display more and more extreme versions of these seemingly mandatory behaviours in order to attract attention.

And when he gets some attention – oh boy, catnip.

At this level, humiliation can be self-reinforcing and very negative.  I’ve seen a number of subs fall into the trap, a kink fetish to cross dress where humiliation is used as programming to extremes.  Where the sub comes to believe that his ultimate desire is to be a slut, a whore and many can be programmed to believe he’s supposed to be constantly available to ‘real alpha’ men.  What often starts as fantasy roleplay can become very real.

It’s a very well worn script because it’s how both sub and domme have been led to behave from the way the label is used in porn, especially story Gifs.

Recently talking to the former mistress on this and although she catered to it for certain clients she came to hate the process and its outcome as being demeaning to the concept of being female.

This was echoed in a tweet that went past on my timeline from a respected domme:

I am always happy to administer real-time punishment, as long as I agree it is warranted. Having gender issues does not warrant severe punishment. We are what we are, there is nothing shameful in the knowledge you are in the wrong body. Punishment is not the answer

From observation I’d say that there is often a keen interest or desire for humiliation from subs who cross dress with an internal vision of ultra girliness and the associated subservience of that role.  They are likely to be comfortable in understanding that this is their relaxation outlet.  At the end of play the role can be put aside, though a very few will get so immersed in the role that it becomes all too real.

For those who have gender issues, especially when struggling to understand what it means, it is very destructive.  Quite simply, you’re told that the person you want or even need to be is a freak, shameful and many other negative associations.  I’m sure this contributes significantly to mental health issues common with MtoF transgendered.  The above quoted domme is absolutely correct, sadly there are many who will happily provide punishment to those with gender issues, reinforcing the same ‘wrongness’ that humiliation induces.

Yes, I have been lucky to encounter dommes who quickly recognised before I did that my issues were transgender and not roleplay.  I do understand how some get great enjoyment and release out of humiliation play and all respect to them.  It’s just that I’m very jaundiced from all the destruction I have seen.


Written for the #TellMeAbout prompt “Erotic Humiliation #11”.  Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.