Which Gender Identity is Celibate ?

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Celibacy – the abstinence from sex.

That seems clear cut and cold, yet there’s so much more to it.  Depending on the person involved the reasons for abstinence vary widely.  Is it a religious prohibition ?  Perhaps a complete withdrawal from socialising with the opposite sex.  Maybe it’s shying away from intimacy, physical and / or emotional.  Is it a personal lifestyle choice or maybe just an accident.  Celibacy may just be a lack of opportunity, it certainly doesn’t preclude masturbation for many people’s definitions, though one can tend to assume that it implies a low libido and an abstinence of sexual pleasure.

Celibacy and chastity tend to be seen as interchangeable, but they’re not necessarily the same thing.

I see a lot of confusion out there.  It ranges from those who consider celibacy to be refraining from physical sex (enforced or voluntary) whilst enjoying masturbation when they feel the need, to the religious proscriptions that really mean chastity because they disapprove of masturbation as well as sex.  So all I can do is describe my own interactions and feelings with these weird concepts.


I’ve been through chastity from just a bit of a tease to a lifestyle D/s relationship and permanent chastity.  I’ve learned I’m asexual and by most definitions you would conclude that I am now irretrievably celibate.

One area where chastity and celibacy can really differ in outlook is that chastity can be part of the most intense mutual sexual experience.  I know some like edge play, ladies loving to hear him whimper as they take him to the edge and back before eventually letting him explode.  Imagine the power of that edge play spread over days, or even weeks.  He ends up floating in a sea of sexual chemicals, begging for release and the explosion of orgasm.

There is, however, a catch when this is part of a D/s lifestyle.  Quite naturally the time between orgasm can grow and the sub will eventually learn to function normally when saturated in the chemical high.  I can still vividly remember the pleasure transference from the orgasm to the constant high.  Life, sexual life, becomes focused on avoiding the orgasm that flushes away the chemical high.  Seeking to be always on that sexual threshold; even hysterically begging not to have to orgasm.

It takes a special person as a domme / keyholder to be compatible with this outlook and to encourage it as part of the mutual lifestyle.  It takes a peculiar mindset to enjoy being in control of this emasculation and revel in the highly stylised sexual play to maintain the levels of arousal and dictate that when that orgasm is finally allowed it’s probably ruined to remove the pleasure sensations.

And if you both let it progress along this path, orgasm becomes irrelevant, the sex becomes highly cerebral – well for me it did, I’m not sure how cerebral her Hitachi was, driven by the sexual energy she got from controlling and frustrating me.

And for us, chastity became the naturally permanent state of the relationship.  It was no longer about generating sexual tension because there was never going to be a need for me to orgasm.  The intimacy was now of the soul rather than with sex organs.  Though her Hitachi still had as much a workout as ever.

This slow slide in to permanent chastity was the boundary where you could truly call me celibate.  Sex, masturbation, orgasm, completely irrelevant.

I don’t consider that I live a deliberately celibate lifestyle, more that it’s a label that sums up other aspects of my sexual make up.  It’s a label, not a conscious choice as some people might make it.

When the relationship had to stop there was no desire to become a sexual being again. I’d been through chastity and come out the other side with no way of going back.  I gradually learned that the original chastity fetish/desire was probably an outlet for being asexual.  The asexuality has asserted very strongly over recent years and rationalises the desire for castration.  The blossoming of melody fits right in to that.

Celibacy-02Mostly the dominant persona these days is melody.  She’s very happy to see the world from a celibate perspective.  I think this holds true even when she’s at her most feminine, the removal of the male sex organs would make her comfortable but probably not make her want to be sexually active as a female.

Being asexual and celibate seems to transcend my gender identity.

It’s too simplistic to assume that the celibate mindset has no interest in anything sexual.  For some that may be true, for me for example, it doesn’t affect the appreciation of beauty in the erotic nor the understanding of the motivations that others express in their desire for physical sex.

My celibacy is an intellectual eroticism that just doesn’t connect to the genitalia any more.

Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Celibacy”.  Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.

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