Which Gender Identity is Celibate ?

By | January 28, 2019
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Celibacy – the abstinence from sex.

That seems clear cut and cold, yet there’s so much more to it.  Depending on the person involved the reasons for abstinence vary widely.  Is it a religious prohibition ?  Perhaps a complete withdrawal from socialising with the opposite sex.  Maybe it’s shying away from intimacy, physical and / or emotional.  Is it a personal lifestyle choice or maybe just an accident.  Celibacy may just be a lack of opportunity, it certainly doesn’t preclude masturbation for many people’s definitions, though one can tend to assume that it implies a low libido and an abstinence of sexual pleasure.

Celibacy and chastity tend to be seen as interchangeable, but they’re not necessarily the same thing.

I see a lot of confusion out there.  It ranges from those who consider celibacy to be refraining from physical sex (enforced or voluntary) whilst enjoying masturbation when they feel the need, to the religious proscriptions that really mean chastity because they disapprove of masturbation as well as sex.  So all I can do is describe my own interactions and feelings with these weird concepts.


I’ve been through chastity from just a bit of a tease to a lifestyle D/s relationship and permanent chastity.  I’ve learned I’m asexual and by most definitions you would conclude that I am now irretrievably celibate.

One area where chastity and celibacy can really differ in outlook is that chastity can be part of the most intense mutual sexual experience.  I know some like edge play, ladies loving to hear him whimper as they take him to the edge and back before eventually letting him explode.  Imagine the power of that edge play spread over days, or even weeks.  He ends up floating in a sea of sexual chemicals, begging for release and the explosion of orgasm.

There is, however, a catch when this is part of a D/s lifestyle.  Quite naturally the time between orgasm can grow and the sub will eventually learn to function normally when saturated in the chemical high.  I can still vividly remember the pleasure transference from the orgasm to the constant high.  Life, sexual life, becomes focused on avoiding the orgasm that flushes away the chemical high.  Seeking to be always on that sexual threshold; even hysterically begging not to have to orgasm.

It takes a special person as a domme / keyholder to be compatible with this outlook and to encourage it as part of the mutual lifestyle.  It takes a peculiar mindset to enjoy being in control of this emasculation and revel in the highly stylised sexual play to maintain the levels of arousal and dictate that when that orgasm is finally allowed it’s probably ruined to remove the pleasure sensations.

And if you both let it progress along this path, orgasm becomes irrelevant, the sex becomes highly cerebral – well for me it did, I’m not sure how cerebral her Hitachi was, driven by the sexual energy she got from controlling and frustrating me.

And for us, chastity became the naturally permanent state of the relationship.  It was no longer about generating sexual tension because there was never going to be a need for me to orgasm.  The intimacy was now of the soul rather than with sex organs.  Though her Hitachi still had as much a workout as ever.

This slow slide in to permanent chastity was the boundary where you could truly call me celibate.  Sex, masturbation, orgasm, completely irrelevant.

I don’t consider that I live a deliberately celibate lifestyle, more that it’s a label that sums up other aspects of my sexual make up.  It’s a label, not a conscious choice as some people might make it.

When the relationship had to stop there was no desire to become a sexual being again. I’d been through chastity and come out the other side with no way of going back.  I gradually learned that the original chastity fetish/desire was probably an outlet for being asexual.  The asexuality has asserted very strongly over recent years and rationalises the desire for castration.  The blossoming of melody fits right in to that.

Celibacy-02Mostly the dominant persona these days is melody.  She’s very happy to see the world from a celibate perspective.  I think this holds true even when she’s at her most feminine, the removal of the male sex organs would make her comfortable but probably not make her want to be sexually active as a female.

Being asexual and celibate seems to transcend my gender identity.

It’s too simplistic to assume that the celibate mindset has no interest in anything sexual.  For some that may be true, for me for example, it doesn’t affect the appreciation of beauty in the erotic nor the understanding of the motivations that others express in their desire for physical sex.

My celibacy is an intellectual eroticism that just doesn’t connect to the genitalia any more.

Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Celibacy”.  Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

18 thoughts on “Which Gender Identity is Celibate ?

  1. Pingback: [#SoSS] Sexy Without The Sex - FlossDoesLife

    1. melodyinsights Post author

      Thank you , Floss. It’s very strange to have an audience, so I appreciate the encouragement xx

  2. victoriablisseuk

    Fabulously detailed and incredibly insightful. Thank you.

    1. melodyinsights Post author

      Thank you for reading and taking time to comment. xx

  3. Marie Rebelle

    An incredibly interesting read, giving more insight into you, and I love getting to know people better. Lines like “Being asexual and celibate seems to transcend my gender identity.” and “My celibacy is an intellectual eroticism that just doesn’t connect to the genitalia any more.” gives me some insight, but makes me want to know even more. Thought provoking post! Thank you for sharing.

    Rebel xox

    1. melodyinsights Post author

      Lovely comment, Marie. Thank you.

      I’m finding this prompt to be absolutely fascinating. I just wish there was at least one more male personal perspective posted in the links.

      melody xx

  4. Posy Churchgate

    Very eloquently put, it really does provide a window on both your journey into the chastity that is your default setting and your mindset / the allure of the chaste state. These are not things I’d thought about and certainly didn’t understand before I knew you melody, but you describe them clearly and, as ever, I come away from reading your post with my mind expanded.
    This prompt was custom made for you!

    1. melodyinsights Post author

      I’ve been through chastity, come out the other side and moved way beyond it. It long since ceased to be a kink or fetish because there is no interest or desire to experience the physicality.

  5. May

    I get that last line about celibacy being intellectual – I mean the mind is the greatest erogenous zone – and I can understand how intimacy can become something between two souls – I have that with Vic, one of my first boyfriends and still a friend. I can also see celibacy as totally different from chastity – chastity is so sexual, even just the word sounds erotic. So all very interesting – one thing I would like to say is that for me sex is not about intimacy – I can get this in other ways, and do – it is the physicality that I love and the places where my mind goes when involved in sex acts x

    1. melodyinsights Post author

      I think this prompt is wonderful and extremely thought provoking.

      I get that for you the physicality is where the mind gets off. I doubt I ever was that way, even as teenager responding to hormone surges. I’m loving the light being shone on different perspectives.


      1. May

        yes that is why a prompt like this is such a gift for bloggers – I am more interested in reading view points from those who want and see things differently from me,- I always seek the opportunity to understand something I didn’t know yesterday – and am enjoying learning about your journey x

        1. melodyinsights Post author

          That’s why it’s a shame that so few have tackled it. I hope there’s a flurry of posts tomorrow. xx

  6. MPB

    This is a thought provoking insight into you Melody. Thank you for sharing. xx


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