Content Notice: No flesh on display
There’s a dividing line in my relationship with the camera. Until very recently, I didn’t have one. I aggressively avoided being in any picture. The only pictures of me being for a passport and very reluctantly, ID for work (though I did pass off a picture of Father Jack as ID for an American company that bought us).
I hated the idea of pictures of myself anywhere. Perhaps that was some deeply latent gender thing. Was that image staring back at me out of alignment with what I sub-consciously wanted it to be ? Hence something to be resented ?
I know exactly when my relationship with the camera changed, it was about 6 pm on this particular day:
melody thoroughly enjoyed her acting debut and was later fascinated by the end result video. She had none of the qualms that ‘he’ had about seeing his own image. There have been a few appearances in front of the camera since. I’m quite proud of the caning one even though I didn’t know she was filming at the time.
I have a totally different outlook as melody to seeing ‘selfies’. It’s complicated because I can see every flaw and I cringe at the amount of weight put on after illness that refuses to come off again. And yet, I’m quite happy to otherwise look at the image and own that this is me as I evolve my physical image closer to my mental image.
This image was taken this week. I drove two hours each way with an hour parked up waiting in a supermarket car park before venturing a short distance on the public pavement to an appointment with the domme.
It’s not a ‘sexy’ image, yet it is me expressing being me and actually being comfortable enough with it and in myself to put it here in a prompt for which I didn’t think I had anything to say. I’m pretty sure that when I sort out a look with makeup that I won’t even mind showing the full shot.
That’s what is so odd about this process I’m going through.
Each step I take, often documented with pictures, should have me close to breakdown with nerves and fear, especially those steps that involve being in public.
Instead, provided the experience falls roughly within expected parameters I find great calm and happiness within it such that it provides fresh confidence for going that little bit further the next time.
I know that the hypnosis plays a significant part in this, although it’s quite subtle. Never has the hypnosis tried to define who melody is, what she is, or how she behaves. What it does provide is a field or a bath of confidence that says it’s okay to be melody and explore without stigma and find out who this melody is and what she could be.
Rather than reject my image as ‘he’ used to, my selfies are like a documentary of an evolving melody. I’m not sure I would use the word pride when I look at the actual pixels. However, there’s plenty of pride in what they represent and symbolise.