SwirlingFire: 365 x2
Two years – no direct contact.
I’ve become so attuned to “walking on eggshells” that my regular daily phrasing and pausing before responding has become very measured and calm. My brain swirls whilst calculating perceived levels of threat.
I try to not react to information. Recently I’ve chosen to mute/unfollow angry, violent, judgemental, abusive, damaged people.
I remind myself to apply therapy lessons, adjusting from automatic old thought patterns that protected me from agenda ridden drama seekers. I’ll still make mistakes as I improve my communication skills.
I still journal, not daily, no longer task led d/s manipulation (to find more sticks of dynamite to destroy me) nor Therapy workbook.
The life coaching course I was mid-way through cancelled, due to Covid-19 pandemic. I’ve had to learn to become more self reliant during enforced solitude. Government “house arrest” arrived following compromised health for me at the start of the year. Lockdown was actually a safety net from socialising with those I now feel need cutting loose. I feel I have achieved a great job in the past, holding people at arms length, my social circle is now just a small square of a few trusted people.
Throughout the last 730 days, #FlakyFriend2 has shown themselves to be a dependable, supportive person. They’ve turned to me as their source of strength for years. I never had anyone. They’re the only person IRL knowing some of my trauma plus a considerable amount of information regarding mindWizard.
My three most valued TwitterPals have propelled me forward, not losing my resolve to weaken with the temptation to respond to (second and third level contact, last attempt 19 Aug) messages from mindWizard. Their support was often tough love and a potential swift kick up the backside driving me forward.
When safe to travel, I’m looking forward to fixing up face to face visits and a well deserved drink or three.
As I move through the remaining half 2020, I’m hoping to regain real levels of self confidence/esteem that real life people assume I already possess in bucket loads. Being able to feel safe whilst outdoors will also be a massive weight finally lifted from my shoulders.
Thank You for Reading. This is blog #100.
@Swirlingfire, 21 August 2020
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August 25, 2020 @ 1:17 pm
We all deserve to feel safe so I wish you all the confidence you need going forward. I have found it is much better to have few trusted friends rather than the many that don’t appreciate you for you. Well done for getting to 100, keep at it 🙂
August 26, 2020 @ 1:51 pm
Thank you very much for your kind support.
I00 blogs from a skilled self silencer/people pleaser?? It was quite a surprise when I realised.
Best wishes to you both
August 24, 2020 @ 5:50 pm
The two quotes you have highlighted here are so powerful and match your voice nicely!
100 is an important number, it means that 100 times you’ve written for you and about something that mattered, even if others didn’t agree, and that has power all on it’s own 🙂
August 24, 2020 @ 7:18 pm
Thank you so much for your comments – they’ve made me quite emotional.
The sanitised blogs and #365 are a controlled purge – I’m still concerned for my safety. one day, I hope I will ease back on hyper vigilance
August 22, 2020 @ 8:33 pm
I don’t understand what is ‘unique’ about my voice. I tell the truth, its not pleasant. It’s the only way I know how to heal.
Even though we have had different viewpoints regarding a view different topics in the past, you have always listened and shown me respect and, also encouraged my writing with feedback.
I thank you for your honesty where many of those (we thought we knew) have different agenda.
August 22, 2020 @ 10:28 am
100 – wow – well done you. You really have a strong unique voice and I look fowarrd to the next 100 😉
August 21, 2020 @ 9:05 pm
Your writing is so heartfelt and beautiful, honest and raw, brave and thoughtful. Thank you for sharing with us who value your contribution 😊
August 22, 2020 @ 8:26 pm
Gosh thank you for your kind and generous comments. I often feel I overshare. Even though I’ve held back quite a lot.
August 22, 2020 @ 11:09 pm
I think we can all have that worry sometimes… that we over share, our blogs are very personal when all is said and done.
August 21, 2020 @ 8:07 pm
Every time I read your words, Swirly, I can feel the hurt in your words for what you have gone through, but even more so, I feel your strength. Thank you for continuing to share!
August 22, 2020 @ 11:24 pm
Thank you for welcoming my (not so pleasant or pretty posts) on your platform.
It’s been a baptism by fire at times, revealing the sick twisted non consensual/Rapey side of d/s. My posts possibly raise uncomfortable feelings for many.
My DM prove I’m not the only one with similar experiences.
Your platform has helped so many people learn about information outside daily scope and comfort zone.