SwirlingFire: Rituals and Memories

Rituals and Memories

It’s the way I tell ’em  – Frank Carson, Comedian

I like my life to be structured, ordered and in manageable sized tasks.  It’s the best way I can handle all facets of external Influences without becoming overwhelmed and not losing my cool.

My daily rituals are tweaked, trialled, tested and usually fail.

I’m still struggling to not hide behind old self defence mechanisms.  It’s really difficult.  It causes me emotional pain.  Then I become stuck in a loop of limbo.

There will naturally be moments that will fall far short of my expectations.  That’s life. That’s my life.  Only too eager to throw me a curve ball with printed letters spelling “take that, Bitch” .

I’ve been learning to set new boundaries for myself, however, in order for these to occur, I have to be able to vocalise the new ways I need / want.

Spanners get thrown into the mix which, within microseconds, will immediately create a strong catalyst for me,  between a past incident of betrayal and the current information.

This happened recently

A message from a trusted source.

It was not the content.

It was the delivery and timing.

My immediate gut reaction was to vomit.

I then had to restart my day / makeup for work. In turn making me miss my bus across the city.  That one tiny message caused an avalanche of responses that were beyond my control.

The immediate parallel, played like the card game “SNAP”.

It took me to the exact second of receiving a mindWizard text in the past, it was early in the day, before work, and timed the day before a long pre-arranged weekend together. Coldly Informing me that he had a new woman.  We would not be communicating in future.  I had also spent money on new lingerie, outfits, turned down work bookings, looking forward to spending time with him. It never once crossed my mind the sentiment was not reciprocated. 

The tidal wave of manipulation and hurt was a full body blow that I couldn’t calm. 

Why my mind creates these painful synapses needs to be explored and worked upon.

It’s an unkind unhelpful reflex. My brain dishes out  self cruelty in unhealthy doses.

I know, for this moment, I have to take that pause and think, any response is pure pain and agonising for me.  I have to carefully create and construct responses, stepping on eggshells.  It’s fraught with anxiety and stress of perceived and imminent “Silent Treatment”.  Yet again.  It’s progressively becoming harder to move forward.

I’m exhausted.

The one that gets hurt?

Just me.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 19 August 2019