I’ve never made a secret of my introduction into the depraved and darkly delicious addictive ways of a malevolent dom of shady intentions. I think I’ve written more than thirty blogs about the ways I was manipulated and coerced into a non-consensual D/s “affair” – which, upon reflection can be termed as “CNC”.
I’m using this abbreviation in the broadest sense as blanket consent.
Many fantasise about being raped.
They will never have that fantasy played out exactly as the way a realistic rape would evolve. They will know who is going to assault them. They will know whom holds the weapons / knife to their terrified flesh. They will always have their safe words to call an immediate halt. This is not kink shaming.
The arranging and agreement to sexual acts of violently rough play are extremely different to reality. That is all I’m highlighting in this instance and using those initials. You do your thing within the parameters of safe sane AND CONSENSUAL or RACK and that’s good.
However, imagine you’ve arranged to met your lead man / d-type. You’ve set out your terms. You’ve discussed what is hot and what is not. When it comes to the assigned ‘play date’ instead of your d type & agreed PlayPals – the participants have changed.
Your safe word is no longer legal tender.
Instead of your d type & agreed PlayPals – the participants have changed.
You were asking for it – and that’s what happens – you’re responsible. So that is how my thoughts were after previous assaults. My fault. My poor choice of man. Again.
Never knowing what I was going to be used for or what was going to be used on/inside me, or indeed was there another person going to enter the scene whilst I was blindfolded, was not consensual.
I never knew each time must be fully discussed / negotiated and as we only exchanged (the yawn inducing and repetitive) B&W romantic pics / gif and never a sit down face to face conversation, this was the method I can only second hand guess he considered was my informed consent ?
The rituals of our exchanges were determined by his mood and attitude towards me.
I had to learn correct ways to address him / assemble my sentences. I wasn’t allowed to phone him without permission. Hearing his voice from time to time would have quelled many insecurities of my day and about his attitudes towards me.
Appearances of kindly, caring, respectful, sexy and playful messages.
The stop/start passive aggressive formula from which I instantly felt the cold shivers.
Stepping on eggshells with phrasing. It didn’t make the slightest bit of difference if I’d replied in any particular style.
CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT his favourite mantra, never once though, did it apply for me !
Who on earth was I to question the great clever, charismatic man with a decade of experience ? How dare I show audacity or query his wishes ?
Dear reader, he lied about a lot of things.
Idiot me believed him.
It was confusing because we weren’t embarking into an ‘exclusive relationship’. I wasn’t allowed to use the word ‘dynamic’ either. he had offered to mentor and train me to be a good submissive and we’d have some regular fun along the way. Obviously, now it all sounds so ridiculous. I fell for the charms of whom he portrayed himself to be. Not the excuse of a man he proved he probably still is. I was also told who I should / should not follow, primarily put to me as “learning from other submissive” (so not from other men / honest doms ??)
I was assured this was to protect me from the online only players in their mom’s basement.
My daily rituals were first / last SMS of the day to him
Several primarily sexual tasks that I disliked, but was told to be a good girl and know my place. When finally starting to feel braver I asked for tasks for development / self esteem / dealing with trauma memories returning. These took more effort from him than the nervousness of requesting. That meant he had to consider me as a human being.
The irony was that I would have been a million times safer learning all the terms and correct training with an anonymous distance player than at the hands of this masked crusader.
Not the knight in Mentor armour to protect me, but an arsehole in tin foil.
Even whilst writing this, the grip he held inside my mind is still very strong. I feel guilt that I’m betraying something special. I’m also still nervous I’ll be exposed / branded a fantasist, a liar or a deluded stalker as I continue to write about his insidious ways – instances he may recognise.
I was a good submissive when I was allowed to spend time with him, I realise now I was too good for him.
he stole all my ‘first times’ – he never deserved or earned any of those moments. he took my submission when I didn’t understand what it was. Being made to kneel for the first time when I didn’t want to. I wasn’t his girlfriend, I knew he shouldn’t get that privilege, but was taunted with ‘it’s no big deal’.
The ritual of putting a collar around my neck and padlocking it into place with a chain lead was the most powerful head phuque of mixed messages.
In my opinion it was this singularly powerful action that caused most of my confusion. Not understanding that EVERYTHING he said / did was role play masked by locking a beautiful leather collar around my neck. I was shown photos via WA of the tissue wrapped brand new collar (I checked, when we were together when he presented it to me, the fastening holes had never been used).
To later see this collar around another woman’s neck, and as her Avatar no less, caused me to taste the bile rise in my throat and physically vomit in my mouth, then almost over myself and my bed.
Of all the things he did
This was the most powerfully hurtful and cruellest act of disrespect.
To make it worse, it was a short lived affair and he was with another within a fortnight.
I often wonder if the submissive that had been collared within a few weeks (with my play collar) had the experience to see him for who he really is ?
It took strength of steel to resist contacting her.
After all, it was none of my business.
I hope she is thriving now.
Taking ALL my firsts as his sport of the chase and purchasing the collar, all amounted to the most despicable things he could do.
Stealing submission from a novice submissive to get the first time goodies then discard immediately afterwards.
I was ignored for three days after our first pre-agreed play date. he was off chasing others.
I knew this because somebody contacted me to say they were due to meet him and were angry with ME.
As a side note – submissives, why do you go after the sub instead of speaking to the d type ?
You offer, he accepts. That’s right isn’t it ?
Many claim to have a wealth of experience of pseudo-doms and users yet won’t speak to the one that allegedly owns, controls and supposedly respects them ?
I was hurt, confused and nauseous. I’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book.
After months and months of pursuit and flirting ?
Used and discarded.
That first time unlocked whatever it is that he knew he could manipulate / charm from me. Regardless that for me it was a subconscious quality, or as he said I was such a natural submissive. Something I heard again many months later in a different setting.
I realise now I was left to ‘drop’ alone. I never knew and he never told me, there was a downside to this type of play. It affected me so intensely I fainted at work the next day and was hospitalised for 24 hours.
I told mindWizard where I was when I was able to contact him –
‘Yeah but you’re okay now ?! Get some rest. You’ll be fine”
And so the cycle had begun and I was totally clueless about the man with whom I’d become.”involved”.
So, that was how MY story began – actually there was a lot more to the first time which can be read about here: SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear
I am now learning to create new rituals for filling my days. One of them is being a support to others, where possible.
Due to the themes of my blogs, I generally set My DM to “open“ following a blog post going live. Although rarely graphic, I’m told at times, the writing style makes for uncomfortable / harrowing reading.
There have been several instances where pieces of information have fallen into place for for readers of my posts. The sudden recognition of similar behaviour from partners can often be very upsetting. I’ve often been their first contact. I will NEVER betray identity or trust of those that have made that difficult first step to acknowledge their own abuse / trauma.
I therefore please request that my DMs are not abused with insensitive, prying questions for entertainment, enquiry or general nosiness.
If one has any doubt before sending an unsolicited message, then please Don’t
My blogs are REAL LIFE experiences.
My blogs ARE NOT fantasy fiction.
@Swirlingfire, 7 May, 2019
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Ritual”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.
Written for the #sb4mh meme of “Open theme”. Why not go check out other posts by clicking on the button.