Truth and Respect
“…. You play with your prey before death –
I go straight for the jugular…..”
The most insightful way I learn about my self daily is from conversations with trusted confidantes. These people are an extremely rare commodity in my life. I never trust easily, with good reason. I don’t offer my friendship unless I’m certain we’re on an equal plane. I certainly don’t suffer fools anywhere in life. On social media it’s harder to ascertain whom is real and which ones are fake Nosey Parkers. It’s rare I’m caught out in life, of course it happens from time to time. I’m human, I’m not a one size fits all person. I can’t fake nice. I never learnt office politics, my eyes will give me away, every single time – even when my face is all smiley and kind. Being able to relax into a conversation is an incredibly difficult process for me now. In my locked past, I was guarded and very cautious, even though my mind had hidden the reasons why. I never fitted in. I now understand why. I was my own worst enemy. I saw situations and people’s personalities/characters that others never witnessed or believed when I flagged up.
I know, at times, I feel the need to explain everything for fear of not being believed. Especially lately. I guess it’s mainly because I struggle to absorb, understand, process and make sense of everything I’ve endured and survived. I’ve experienced too much trauma, most I thought was just how life is for most, only in the last 18 months was I given a place of safety to recant. Very sketchy facts. Very blurred memories. Too much for one poor soul to process. I know I shouldn’t care what others think or believe about me. It’s my next goal to reach. I may or may not be many things, I’m not a liar. The mere inference from someone is very wounding. When it’s brought to my attention I’ve accidentally/unwittingly offended someone I’m mortified. I’ll re-read the thread to see where my phrasing was not firing as fast as my confused tumbling thoughts and I ran amok and wild in direct response to someone. I’m learning to not engage with people that jump onto a solo tweet looking to pick a fight. These people could start a world war in a locked windowless room whilst blaming me for their nastiness. When in fact they are narcissistic and have defective/flawed personalities from their own upbringing.
Reflecting on past careers and moments I now realise I’ve crossed paths with unsavoury people with hidden agendas. Although I’ve not been certain of their end goal – I did pick up that they were not good people. My gut reaction was present. I listened back then.
(Very recently I came face to face with one woman. She made my life hell for years. I avoided her in the past. This time I wished her a merry xmas and stunned myself probably as much as her. I’ve left her in the unpleasant past. Let her wallow in her own spiteful games. I’m done.)
I can immediately recall several people that used #gas-lighting techniques about me. Many years ago I didn’t know that phrase. Not a clue what was being used against me. For reasons still unknown in the present day.
Whilst I’m undecided if they were Narcissistic people as a whole, I do now recall many, many instances where I’d tell a colleague and they’d laugh at me as though I were insane. Institutionalised mental abuse by managers and staff members in my last two career paths set me up to never trust and rarely befriend. It’s a lonely life without someone to share the good times.
Whilst I may never reveal my deepest fears, life experiences and past with people, if I’ve given you respect of exchange of private information as conversation and my time then I, at least, expect a level of honesty, respect and authentic behaviour in exchange.
The one aspect of others I will never tolerate is lying.
I’m not referencing the silly white lies we all use as a modicum of social courtesy ‘how are you?’ – I’m good thanks, how’re you? Or other little ways we manoeuvre through each day being polite.
I dislike the lies that I catch someone out on. Not even important stuff. If someone can lie to me about non-important things then how can I believe the bigger events ? I will then question every other thing I’ve been told in various different ways to check/cross check and wonder. Was that a lie, what about when…? The little lies people tell when it’s not important says a lot about their character. If I’m not worth their respect for the truth then I can’t respect them to give my time. When they won’t admit to being caught out and explain/apologise then this means they’ve already lost my trust. More importantly they’ll lose my respect. I see no point in continuing. On any level.
We’re back to the age old ‘anonymity’ of social media/Twitter.
For example – I don’t share my real name or face with anyone for a very simple reason. Safety.
It makes me extremely hesitant to meet anyone. Everything I’ve shared is true – to the best of my cloudy recollection. I’ve only regretted sharing once. I now feel unsettled and very uncomfortable for people to have such sensitive potentially destroying personal info about me.
My next steps are to learn to be very careful on social media about whom I choose to communicate with on any real level. I’ve now distanced myself from many. They have their own lives/issues. I’m not part of the hip happening cliques. For the most part, very few understand me. Most have lives / teenage backgrounds that are very sunny and healthy in comparison. They have no context of how to communicate with me. No first hand knowledge of the information I’m trying to accept, make sense of and put to rest. Instead choosing to mock in various guises. It’s hurtful but understandable.
I’m not looking for unpaid therapists or a new mentor. It would be wonderful to one day say out loud:
“Have you met my good friend ‘insert name’ ?”
@Swirlingfire, 1st January 2019