[TellMeAbout] Fantasies

Good grief !!!  Is that a cue for me to actually write smut ?

Hmmm … perhaps tangentially.

Fantasies can be odd, they are, of course, intensely personal images, feelings and sensations from the darkest recesses of the mind – veritable monsters from the Id.

When I look back I see that much of my path through D/s has been not about fantasy fulfilment, it has instead, been about clearing out unrealistic fantasies.  Not necessarily creating new ones, but sharpening the remaining ones into what is actually feasible and often scary.

As regular readers will know, it’s only in the last few years that I’ve clearly understood that I am asexual.  But in writing this post, as I think back, it’s kind of a “Doh” moment because I can’t recall any of those old fantasies being explicitly about raw bump and grind sex.  Overall, that’s quite a surprise realisation.  I read posts from ‘normal’ people and fantasy is often about what is it that you lie back and masturbate to ?  I may have done just that when the hormonal juices first started to flow, but not for long enough for there to be any real memory of it, just a vague impression.

Those early fantasies might have been naive but the general concepts behind them haven’t really changed.  For a very long time my fantasies have revolved around D/s, FemDom control and endurance.

The first fantasies also had a high degree of objectification.  A lack of confidence and self worth (probably due to what at the time was felt to be an embarrassing lack of interest in sexual fantasy) leading me to believe that no domme could actually be interested in me, only what she could use me for.  All compounded by the fact that I really wasn’t looking for sexual intercourse and what can a sub offer if he can’t use his dick like all the porn stories say he should be able to ?

Well, if a domme can’t or won’t use him for actual sex, she can certainly abuse his dick and sexual responses.  And I’m sure that’s partly where the chastity fantasies came from.  At the outset chastity is a highly sexual form of play, albeit seemingly quite irrational.  Why on earth have serious fantasies about not being able to have sex ?  Indeed, deeper than that, the fantasies around being denied sexual release by another person are some of the most powerful D/s visions that there are.  Very common is the sub-genre of cuckolding where the controlling partner has all the sex they want, perhaps a high degree of promiscuity, whilst the controlled sub … well … suffers – preferably, cruelly.  I can’t say that cuckolding was part of my fantasy fabric as it didn’t impinge until after I learned some realities, but I absolutely get why it’s such a vivid fantasy for many of those I used to talk to in forums.

Ah, I mentioned reality.

There’s the common phrase about living your fantasies.  I know that I’m odd in a few ways.  One seems to be that fantasies don’t survive the light of reality being shone on them.  No.  That’s not in any way a disappointment.  The reality far outstrips the fantasy – I can live the reality, when the unrealised fantasy is at best impractical and usually impossible.

As I better understand my evolution I see that my asexual nature became the dominant factor in chastity related fantasies.  They became less and related to sex and primarily about the D/s relationship which sprouted from that initial mutual chastity interest.  Perhaps the one actual fantasy element that remains is gender related where the fantasy of castration became the last unreachable stop on the line.

And that kind of leads me onto dark fantasies.

There’s a male blogger called furcissy who some readers will have come across.  He’s a very thoughtful and articulate writer on male submissive motivations.  He also has some very dark fantasy drivers that he acknowledges can put him beyond the understanding of many people.  I find it fascinating to read some of this thoughts because my overriding reaction on first encountering him was “there but for the grace of God”.  I know most of the paths he describes, the ones into despair, degradation, objectification and ruination.  I’ve stood at the fork in the road staring at the one that leads to the abyss and I’ve been incredibly lucky that the dommes I have known have grabbed me by the hand and led me down the safer, lighter path.

That’s not to say that the dark fantasies have been flushed out.  Elements remain, feasibly scary elements that are at least no longer dangerously destructive.

One of the common aspects of those early dark fantasies was being made to suffer, to endure the unendurable.  There was a strong component in there of consensual non-consent.  I find that very common among male subs, the self-knowledge that they could not live up to their fantasies without the removal of “get out” options.  Yet the fantasy desire to see it through, all the way to damnation, is incredibly strong.

I could say that I’ve broken the hold that such fantasies might have had, yet if I’m honest, I know quite well how a domme could ‘break’ me and make me desire to plunge into everlasting darkness for her.

For now, that box labelled ‘darkness’ focuses on endurance that’s not eternal suffering – things that push a long way past existing limits, yet from which I can arise blinking in the sunshine when the ordeal is over.  What maybe the difference between now and then are two things.  First, that everything in that box comes with a label of active consent.  Second, is I still have a fascination with what might break me.  The most real and healthy difference is that I no longer seek to find self worth and identity from the extremes of fantasy.  Bit by bit the dommes I have known have taught me that it’s about the ‘who’ of submission and rarely about the ‘what’.

For me, I think that the ultimate fantasy is entering and discovering the great unknown.  My fantasies only overlap with more common sexual fantasies in the realms of D/s.  Where many will use D/s as the backdrop or enabler of sexual olympics, I find all my fulfilment within the D/s dynamic alone.

Written for #TellMeAbout.  Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.