The Dominatrix as Therapist

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I am not a Guardian reader, which means I may only see articles on there when they cause a stir on Twitter.  This was one such recent ‘stir’ … Why I ditched my therapist to hire a dominatrix instead

I’d have left it there, consigned to the waste bin of dubious articles soon forgotten until I saw this video response from @MsEvilyne doing a very good forensic dissection of it.  If the post title brought you here, I urge you to watch it – even if it’s just to see the cat steal the show.

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There’s all sorts of terms come in to play here; dominatrix, therapist, life coach.  All of them used interchangeably in the article and confusing the very important distinctions between them.

Sex workers are far more than ‘just’ sex workers.  Beyond many skills you don’t think about they are people-oriented, clients are often seeking companionship, someone to listen to them.  Visiting a sex worker so they can open up in a way they can never do with a partner.  Some might be seeking a surrogate mother.  Others may be there as a break from loneliness.  Much of it is based on attention seeking that can turn unhealthy.

The “prostitute with a heart of gold” trope is recurrently popular in art and literature at least as far back as Mary Magdelene in the New Testament.  Modern audiences see it in the film Pretty Woman.  A personal favourite is La Traviata and the book La Dame aux Camélias by the younger Dumas on which it is based.

I’m not so sure why we find this a surprise in our current world.  Until very recently the common perception of a sex worker was of a bad or fallen person, someone who had lost their humanity with no redemption.  The trope is, in effect, a story of unexpected redemption.  But why are we surprised these days that another human being (forget the other labels) has compassion, empathy and all the complex social skill mix that everyone else has ?  And why do so many see it in terms of redemption ?

A dominatrix as a life coach.  Yes, it can be an interchangeable skill set though rarely a good idea to mix the roles too much.  I know dominatrices who thoroughly enjoy guiding people to, for example, stop smoking, lose weight, get fit, achieve personal goals.  As in the Guardian article the rewards or punishments from a dominatrix can be a bit more adventurous or scary than a standard “well done” or “I’m disappointed”.

A dominatrix as a therapist ?  No !!  Not unless they have been trained, accredited and have the letters after their name in a process that takes many years.

Clients form close, often one-sided, dependency bonds with people in these roles.  Someone who listens when they spew their emotional guts.  Sex workers are very familiar with clients getting too emotionally attached, or ‘clingy’.  Clients who push their needs on to the sex worker as they look to dump their problems on someone else – someone else to solve their problems for them.

When someone who needs therapy pushes that role onto a non-therapist the consequences can be dire.  It’s no different to pushing that role onto a friend, simply because they listen over a coffee or a meal and are too polite to call a halt to it.  The ‘listener’ can descend into emotional burn out, they can have their own traumas triggered, resulting in their own need for therapy.  As for the ‘burdener’, they do not get the diagnosis and treatment they actually need even though they will probably feel good each time they unburden themselves.  Dumping on someone else is not treatment.

That a dominatrix is not a therapist is something I have to personally be very aware of.  I’ve been seeing my domme for nearly four years.  Yes, I am a client, but you don’t see someone regularly without a personal relationship developing.  Understanding the boundaries is crucial.  What’s even more crucial in this relationship is that it includes a good degree of D/s based hypnosis.  Part of the hypnosis is a constant reinforcing and deepening of my submission.  This plays heavily on emotional states and desires.  To a degree it does create a type of dependency on her in her domme role.  It is potentially dangerous territory to explore without checks and balances.

For this reason there is regular communication for her to assess any adverse reaction to suggestions when I’ve been in trance.  It takes our relationship much closer to the line of domme as therapist than most.  She has to see and know much of the darkness deep inside my head that would be irrelevant if all we did was CP sessions.

However, from the outset both of us have understood and followed the rule of; she is not my therapist and never will be.

Yes, that’s hard at times when communicating about the effects of hypnosis to not drift into deeper waters.  In some respects it’s about word tone.  Recent bouts of anxiety and depression were things for her to be aware of but not couched in terms of seeking her to diagnose or cure them.

A big element that’s been with us from very early on is me exploring being melody.  Aspects of being transgendered can become a serious mind-fuck that only a therapist can deal with.  So, whilst I observe the lines of what’s appropriate information between us, she fulfils her side of it by offering support and encouragement without offering solutions.

The moment it seems I need therapy, I know I’ll be told in no uncertain terms.  And when you think about it this is the best and most compassionate thing she could do.

Any sub type reading this must be very clear that just because a dominatrix and a therapist are highly skilled (or should be), they have clear and different purposes.  Short version: own your own problems and take responsibility for them.

As for sex workers reading this.  If you don’t already, keep your boundaries strong.  Recognise when a client is imposing a function on you that you are not qualified to deal with.  For your mental health and the client’s, know when to suggest the client sees the appropriate professional.

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