Sometimes I have a stream of consciousness that expresses itself over many months. Things that fill the mind in the small hours of sleeplessness. Quite amazing the personal thoughts that end up here as if this was actually a totally private space.
It’s a chilling thought, I am the same age now as my father was when he was forcibly retired for being too old. That was all the rage back then, throw out the dinosaurs who were over 50 and recruit youth with MBAs. [As you might expect a large multi-national company employing thousands didn’t take long to die.]
If nothing else it’s a pause for thought, I could never envisage being as old as him on the day I bought a cheap carriage clock as a bit of a joke. Yet suddenly I am and like every preceding generation I now think it’s not really that old, is it ?
The coincidences of how our careers mapped out in different eras are uncanny including my own redundancy at the beginning of this year. Unlike him I had a ready job to walk straight in to, fortunately I wasn’t faced with the stark question that was in front of him – WTF do I do now ?
However, given age, experience and the circumstances you can’t but help having your thoughts wander in the direction of what does the future hold and what do I want from it. As a life event it’s just a little too far away to being able to consider retirement. Though suddenly even retirement no longer seems far away. All those years of ignoring it and now it’s possible to contemplate and visualise it, even smell and touch it.
Over the last couple of years my life priorities have been changing quite rapidly. Up until then everything had been secondary to the vanilla world of career. melody was not taken too seriously and largely kept in her box. She’s now a much more equal part of me and a genuine persona in her own right. If she’s not already the prime persona it’s only a matter of time.
And for melody, his career doesn’t matter a damn. She wants to explore being melody and it looks like she won’t take no for an answer on that.
I talked this over with a friend who said that it looked like I’d given up. That rather shocked me but to a degree they were right. He’s become tired, worn out. He has no more interest in progressing a career that now bores him. He can see the finishing line, quite close if things align and work out – maybe as short as 3 years away. At that point he would happily hand over to melody to be whatever she needs to be, probably full time female.
I had this full conversation with my friend and although I had to concede that on the face of it ‘he’ appears to want to give up, the reality is that all the interesting motivations now belong to melody and she’s in the driving seat. Quite a 180 turnabout in that it maybe that it’s his turn to be the one to be kept in the box.
For now it seems I’m holding station. This is most definitely not about wishing time away and drifting. There’s so much for melody to explore and enjoy in preparation for when the mundane shackles are removed.