[F4Thought] Coward of the County
There are big lies and small lies. There are the lies we tell ourselves, the lies we tell to others and the lies others present to us.
It starts in childhood with the likes of the Tooth Fairy or “Santa knows if you’ve been good or bad”. There’s the funny ones such as April Fools – I can think of the time as a 7 year old falling for quite a good one … “The dog license needs to be renewed and we need a paw print of the dog to take to the Post Office”. Yeah, naive little bugger, wasn’t I ?[That also dates me – needing a dog license. My mother resented that dog license for years, she was a cat person.]
As I grew up, I learned to lie a lot better. At the job interview – “Sure, I’ve got experience of doing that.” Or, “Yes, I really enjoy working here.” during the yearly review.
We make our lives easier and simpler with those little lies, to avoid confrontation and embarrassment.
Yet it’s in personal relationships that lies really count because they are liable to hurt. For me, those have often been deflection type of lies. All those years telling my parents that I’d just not found anyone to settle down with when I knew that would never happen. That there never would be grand children or an occasion for my mother to indulge herself with a new hat. Never until this year would I have considered opening up the truth that I am transgendered. Even then, I’ve still not broached the area of asexuality – for all those years my father assumed, and joked, that I must be randy git with a trail of bastard children dotted around the country. The cumulative effect of those lies almost destroyed me this year.
We tell lies to avoid telling others who we really are and causing them disappointment and ourselves, embarrassment.
There are a lot of lies I’ve told to myself over the years. That I had no value or worth in personal relationships. That kink, fetish, cross dressing, D/s where just interesting fads and not really part of my core.
Then there’s the point where I’ll tell you I’m not a masochist and hate pain. Is that a lie to me ? To you ? That depends on the circumstances. In daily life it is no lie. Then, my domme knows how to make a complete liar of me when she takes me to the place where I feel I could and want to endure her pain for ever.
The biggest lie of them all is about love. When the assumed most very basic element of a relationship is defined around sexual desire and attraction and the mainstream of society discuss and define love as based on that desire and attraction, I found the subject unfathomable. I was incapable of giving love in those terms and assumed that I didn’t have the capacity. On the flip side, I believed that in not being able to reciprocate in those terms that I was not a worthy object of love.
Discovery of the body of work on asexuality showed me how the world and society had been lying to me all my life.
My former mistress taught me that I could not lie to her. Not even the lies of omission. Mentally and emotionally being stripped naked in front of someone is hard. Every one of your perceived flaws is open for inspection and as hard as it is, the lies can no longer be told, to her, to me, to the world.
Well, maybe not quite the world. And this is the baton picked up by my current domme. I’m not sure I’ve ever lied to her – she might now come and tell me when I have 🤣 She ensures I can’t lie to myself and increasingly I can’t lie to the world. At times the world sees melody as she really is. The petrifying terror that leads to lies and self denial is not what it was. It’s not gone and I increasingly regret the fraudulent facade required to live day to day and earn a crust.
For me, the life time of lies have been about acknowledging who I am and then the denial in being who I should be.
I don’t tell nearly as many lies as I used to, I wish I didn’t need to tell any at all. Or is it that really I wish I had the self-confidence, the self-image to brazen it out and damn the consequences. I still need a few years pension contributions, does that make me a coward ?
I may not have to fight to be a man, but the fight to be something else is much much harder and all too easy to resort to the comfort of lies if you let it.
December 25, 2019 @ 6:58 pm
I too am glad you found your voice and your truth.
Glad you are here in our blogging community.
December 26, 2019 @ 9:47 am
Thank you, Cat 🌹💋
December 22, 2019 @ 2:06 pm
“We tell lies to avoid telling others who we really are and causing them disappointment and ourselves, embarrassment.”
This is just so true. I think all of us have told lies to either protect ourselves, or protect those around us. I know I have.
I am happy you are sharing the beautiful you with all of us, and have found yourself.
December 22, 2019 @ 2:28 pm
What a lovely comment. Thank you, Marie.
Have a great Christmas 🌹🌹
December 21, 2019 @ 11:20 am
I suppose the subject of lies is such a minefield. As individuals we are all jumping off from a different spot and then as out lives go along are faced with different things mentally and physically. Some are bound to have easier struggles or hardly any. While others are faced with mind, body and soul struggles. Surely when so much is being dealt with lies will occur? And it is often later we look back and see the effect of those lies. But at the time life perhaps was hard enough to deal with on its own without having to wear a halo while living it. Time enough I expect 😉
December 21, 2019 @ 12:06 pm
When lies are discussed as a moral position, it all seems so black and white – lies are bad. Yet we all know how much grey there is and have to make our own choices.
Loosely, I count my deepest friendships / relationships to be with the people I do not want to lie to (won’t say I won’t lie, I try never to be in that position). The rest of the world gets what I allow them to see as they navigate the line between friend and stranger.
Thanks May 🌹🌹
December 20, 2019 @ 8:49 pm
This is very relatable, though I have not experienced your specific struggles. As you say, we all tell lies. But the one surrounding our identities are the worst and most detrimental ones. I’m sorry it’s a bit complicated with your family, and am glad that you found a Mistress that is helping you live your truth by ensuring that you can’t lie.
Did you comment on my post earlier today? I guess it makes a lot of sense that what you’ve written is so relatable to me as you also said you related to what I wrote. I know we followed different prompts but both came down to identity, in some sense.
December 20, 2019 @ 9:03 pm
Thank you, MLSlavePuppet.
Yes, that was me in my SB4MH helper guise. Until about 18 months ago I had little interaction with female subs. Since then I’ve learned that common experiences as subs can make the male/female differences quite small.
Identity, or understanding the root of our identity is behind much angst. And, yeah, I’d give a lot to be able to face the whole world in skirt/dress, heels and hosiery.
Great to see you entering the community, I hope you’ll stay around for a bit 🌹🌹
December 20, 2019 @ 9:45 pm
I’m just asking this because I’m curious, there’s no judgement or anything! But why did you initially have very little contact with female subs? And in what way are the differences actually very small?
I’m interested because I think I used to avoid interaction with male’s in he past, but have also found that common experiences are just that. Gender doesn’t mean much in that regards.
Do you think it’s possible that one day you’ll be able to face the whole world in skirt, dresses and heels? I hope you will!
And thank you. I certainly plan to stay around for a while 😊x
December 21, 2019 @ 1:54 pm
Always feel free to ask.
It was mostly because we never frequented the same circles. In the forums I used to frequent there would be a number of dominant females, but a female sub would be rare. And those that were tended not to be visible to avoid predatory males.
In starting this blog I found that in order to participate properly in this community my reading matter expanded considerably and it included all ‘types’ involved in BDSM and D/s. Quite a few of those ‘types’ being ones I’d not really read or spoken to before because there didn’t seem to be any real overlap. Previously, I had never felt comfortable bridging that gap. Appearing out of the blue in DMs or a timeline can come across as creepy. Posting and engaging through this blog and other people’s blogs was a comfortable way of bridging that gap.
Engaging with female subs was eye opening in that more of the feelings and sensations discussed were more common than I expected across the gender divide. Yes, there are gender differences though it’s mostly related to activities and that the vast majority of males identifying as subs can see submission as a competitive sport.
I have been out in dress and heels, though the conditions were very much controlled. In uncontrolled environments, it’s block heel boots and skinny jeans. At some point there will be a change where I won’t care about the uncontrolled environment at all. From reading your post, I think you’ve been going through that and will understand where I’m at.
In future, I’ll comment on your #SB4MH posts as myself now you know who I am. My role on #SB4MH is to read and comment on all the linked posts so that people know they are not speaking into the void about what can be hard and distressing things to write about. When someone new links it’s better to comment officially as SB4MH than having them wonder who the hell this melody character is 😂
I do hope you think you have a home and are welcome there and will branch out to other places, too 🌹🌹
December 22, 2019 @ 4:44 pm
Oh, really? I’ve never been in any place where the number of dominant females were high and the female subs rare. Which forums are these? Might be interesting for a friend of mine.
I get that. It’s kind of like how perhaps watching some kinky things on the internet didn’t make me feel like I completely committed or admitting to my kinky desires – when I still felt like it was weird or unacceptable for me to have them or something. It’s like there’s some barrier in between that ‘softens’ it, like how the blog can also do in terms of contact
I also didn’t realise that a lot of male submissives see submission as a competitive sport? In what way? How does that work? I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about how submission can be a competitive sport?
Yes, I completely understand where you’re at! I actually am at where you’re at too on some days, as anxiety and my mood and what environment it is in changes a lot for me. I have no problem dressing up fancy and in heels if it’s for a fancy party or something else. But wearing that next to the football pitch to watch my team play while I had an injury was too terrifying, which I then also didn’t do, though it had been a task.
If you ever want to talk about these kinds of things I’m always around at some point during any given day.
It’s so nice that all of you from #SB4MH do this. It really helps and supports us all. I try to read a lot of posts too but I tend to do it all in one day. I’m very behind. Feels like I’m trying to catch up with a person that’s running in front of me haha
Thank you so much, I certainly feel very welcomed! ♥
December 22, 2019 @ 5:11 pm
I’m really glad you feel welcome. SB4MH is a difficult place to start opening up, showing frailties and vulnerability. However, as I hope you’ve found, everyone is very supportive.
Back in the day I lived the chastity lifestyle, forums dedicated to that tend to have a higher dominant female count than generic FemDom sites. One I kind of settled on was ChatityMansion.com. It’s still run by females, though quite a while since I was there and spoke to any of them.
The vast majority of male subs only interact online. They seek attention without really knowing what submission means. For them it’s a fantasy only thing. What they tend to see is that a domme has specific interest and activities. They believe that to get attention they have to profess that they are more ‘hardcore’ within those activities for a domme to pay attention to them.
You see this with male subs being competitive about how long they can go in chastity, or that they can take more strokes, more pain than other subs. That this is the way to prove their self-worth.
There’s a whole psychology, even pathology, that affects male subs that I don’t think is anywhere near as prevalent in female subs. They tend to see their submission in terms of letting the domme do fantasy things to them. There’s usually a lot for a male sub to unlearn before he’s capable of genuine submissive altruism.
Changing the image we present is a really scary thing. There’s a thing in the early stages of a male sub wearing a chastity cage, or even panties. He’s convinced that he’s broadcasting signals that everyone around knows he’s a deviant or pervert. It takes a while to realise that no one really notices or cares. I go through an elevated version of this each time I go that little bit bolder in what I present.
Best wishes in making those changes for yourself and to be comfortable with it.
December 22, 2019 @ 5:37 pm
That’s perfect though, my friend is quite interested in that. I’m going to pass it on. Thank you
Have you written about your experience of being transgender? (I believe I did read on your about page that you are?) I’m asking because I don’t want to make you tell me about it if you’ve already written about it. I can only imagine how freaking difficult that must have been in terms of coming to terms with oneself (I mean it’s on going of course), especially because the surrounding doesn’t always respond positively.
I’m really interested in people and their experiences. I feel like if we listen a bit more to the people around us we can be more understanding and open and feel more connected with each other, which is probably what you’d want in an ideal world haha.
I can definitely see how this would be a thing amongst male subs because from what I’ve seen and know from my male friend is that there is a lot of shame in enjoying watching, as well as wearing and participating in kink.
And I can also relate to it, probably in a similar way to how you feel all of that when you get a little bolder in what you present.
I particularly worry about appearing slutty for example. And sharing naked pictures too, if I think about it. I feel good in this community but I worry about how it is perceived by the rest of society.
Thank you. And best wishes to you too!
December 22, 2019 @ 6:04 pm
Shame is a big driver for many males subs and it goes with exposure. It’s one aspect I really hate, especially when it bounces against the concepts of consent, and yet understand where it comes from.
I’ve written many posts on various aspects of D/s and more than a few on being transgendered. If you wanted a place to look and start to understand me in particular, one older post – https://melodyinsights.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-normal/; two slightly more recent posts could help – https://melodyinsights.com/gender-dysphoria-mental-health/ and https://melodyinsights.com/pater-familias/. Neither was easy to write, but well worth doing for my own sanity.
December 22, 2019 @ 10:48 pm
Thank you! I’m very interested in reading them and will soon 😊
December 20, 2019 @ 7:59 pm
You definitely brought it back to the stable … see you at the camp fire for some beer & beans later? 😉😉
December 20, 2019 @ 8:09 pm
December 20, 2019 @ 7:36 pm
Great post, I’m glad you found your voice 😊 and your truth 😊
December 20, 2019 @ 7:48 pm
Thank you Sweet. I feared it was rambling and then hoped I headed it off at at coral 🤣🌹🌹