Facing The Darkness

I and others sometimes write about the descent in to darkness and dark fantasies that male subs, especially, are prone to.  They’re often related to the internalised rationale of ‘I wish someone would make me do that.’  The usual categories of this are:

• Forced feminisation
• Forced bi
• Forced chastity
• Total slavery
• Dehumanisation
• Subject to mindless cruelty

Whilst the first three can be acted out, the others are going in to the realm of illegality and are 99.99% of the time pure fantasy with no hold on reality.

The common theme here is that a sub often fantasises about having his consent taken away to various extremes.  A domme is very used to the ‘forced’ themes and knows how to play the consensual non-consent angle.

Personally I’ve never bought in to the ‘forced’ concept though I do understand why many do.  Playing it out is a means to absolution, the domme takes on the guilt of making him do these taboo and shameful things, leaving his conscience clear.  He can tell himself that he didn’t do these things of his own accord, he was made to do them.

Deep in my core I have something that demands honesty.  Which means I rejected the idea of ‘forced’ and learned to own those fantasies, to realise I didn’t need an excuse, nor wallow in shame.

I realised the other day that there is another category of dark desires.  To some degree they are related to the ones lower on the list above.  The link is that the desire isn’t necessarily taboo or shameful and the submissive knows (or at least wonders) that he couldn’t be subject to the fantasy if he had the option of quitting.  His solution that involves the removal of consent is not just about abrogating personal responsibility it’s about finding a path through the unrealistic fantasy such that he experiences all the horrors, no matter how much he wants to quit when within it.

This other category of dark desires are things which are realistic yet tough to endure.  They are things that you know are probably beyond your limits and capabilities, yet still have a presence in the dark recesses of the mind as something nagging away about which you want to know the truth.  The easy way out is to fantasise about being forced to experience them.  But for me, this is an unacceptable cop out.  If they are fantasies in my head, then I have to own them, whatever the consequences.

I’ve been blessed with being the sub of some wonderful dommes.  They have known me so well that they have protected me from the excesses of my own dark fantasies when I could so easily been led to go too deep and drown.

Of course, over the years I’ve learned to swim a bit and where I would have drowned in the past, I now manage a doggy paddle.  You might say that I’ve graduated to the big pool, though not too far outside the shallow end – just about able to take my feet off the floor of the pool.

The deep end looks a long, frightening way off.  But there’s a fascination with swimming there in the deeper waters and leaving all the flotation aids behind.

The dark stuff still in the back of my head is what I would have called pure fantasy only a few years ago as being so far beyond my limits as to be unachievable.  Looking at it now it’s all potentially feasible and that scares the crap out of me.  I know it’s outside my limits, but for how much longer ?  How far beyond my limits is this stuff now ?

In acknowledging that these things are almost touchable, I have to own them to reduce the fear of what’s inside me.  These are things that could physically and mentally break me.  In the past, that would have been a given and why dommes have steered me clear of asking those questions of myself.  The questions have morphed, the perspective has changed.  If these things are now not too far beyond my limits can I go there and survive ?

With an evolving and deepening submission the motivations to expand limits and stretch that bit further beyond them are dangerously strong.  I’ve never been the best judge of myself and my capabilities in this area.

I’m at a bit of a nexus, I could stay within limits and my comfort zone and continue to wonder about about the fenced off darkness.  On the other hand I can visualise my domme rubbing her hands at the thought of reaching far beyond those limits and the huge potential for fucking my mind as she helps me explore.

She’s not one to rest on her laurels, or let me do so, either.