There’s a common wish fulfilment myth about hypnosis that at the swing of a watch or the snap of a finger that you can be instantly made into somebody or something new. For someone who is struggling this seems to be a deceptively simple solution to all their problems. Instead it can seriously add to the problems.
Hypnosis requires significant effort to self-analyse and keep track of your mental state. Danger in the dungeon is easily spotted and avoided, this is not so with hypnosis. Detecting the stresses and potentially wrong activities is essential to avoid them building up in to any form of crisis. All that self-analysis is pointless without full discussion with the hypnotist.
A few months ago I had what can only be described as a physical shutdown of the body that took a while to restart everything. At the time my mind was full, particularly from a very stressful brainwashing session a few weeks previous, you might call it a mental dyspepsia. The mind took advantage of the weakened state of the body to rearrange itself at the same time.
Putting mental processes in to words is difficult. The best I can do is to say that the mind was congested with stuff that had been added to it in a higgledy-piggledy fashion. The mind sent it all through a blender to render it down and then let it settle like the strata of sediment in a lake.
Nothing was lost, though some of it harder to specifically identify and touch as it became more embedded in to my mental core.
It was with this mental ‘green field’ that we approached this recent hypnosis sequence that included a brainwashing session and subsequent standard hypnosis session.
The brainwashing was the most successful yet. It worked on the core themes of submissiveness, service and obedience to the extent I could later detect a change in how they felt.
Odd as it may seem, it’s the standard 20 to 30 minute hypnosis session where the hard pushes are enacted or new and difficult material introduced. I was very interested to see what the standard hypnosis session did with my perceived new mental vista.
Interesting is an inadequate word for the effects and ruminations that followed.
Waking up in the middle of the night after the session, there was something tangibly different going around my head.
In simple terms you’d say it was a yearning. It was an ache for the recognition, company, anything from my hypnotist domme. Oh yes, I know these feelings as they’ve surged and waned through my D/s encounters. For the inexperienced they become overwhelming, the submissive being needy and over emotional. In the male sub it’s a well known phenomena for him to generate outlandish fantasies centred with his thinking governed by his dick and his entitlement.
Over the years, the ‘thinking with dick’ aspect has increasingly not been an issue for me and I learned to clamp down on the other manifestations, even whilst containing the aching.
Manipulating these feelings is a domme’s bread and butter. Most do it with unconscious skill, but a hypnotist does it with conscious thought and planning.
Almost three years ago when we started I constructed barriers against this. Not least because it is a professional relationship, the boundaries being different to what I knew. I’d seen with my ex-mistress how subs first fantasise and then act to try to get beyond the domme’s professional persona and in to her personal life.
The thought that I might find myself going even part way down such a path was horrific in terms of personal integrity and embarrassment.
Laying there in bed with the thoughts and feelings swirling around, I tried to put it all in place. For all the time under her spell I’ve felt her deepen my natural desires of submission and servitude, they have gone rather deep, indeed. What’s apparent is that I can no longer isolate them from more personal emotions. For want of a better term, I’ll call it the infatuation driver. Submission, service and now infatuation hammer around, embedding deeper in the psyche.[Note: for clarity, do not think of infatuation in the negative context, this is not stalking or bunny boiler territory.]
I’ve been scared of it for many years and not just since seeing this domme. The barriers have been heavily constructed.
And now she’s chipped away at the barriers and they are starting to crumble. I know it’s a game, it’s constructed of battles I can’t win. I can enjoy losing and yet honour requires staving off defeat as long as possible and with as much fun as we can get out of it.
If I’d reached this juncture a year ago I might have called a halt. Things have changed in that year to leave me more comfortable with this progression.
It’s about protecting yourself from being hurt. That you fear she’ll reel you in, flood your senses and then get bored of the game and push you away – a broken rag.
After almost three years I’ve finally been convinced that this is not a game to her, it’s a deadly serious venture in to aspects of hypnosis and mind control. Slowly I’ve come to trust that everything she does in this space is positive and reinforcing. There maybe devilry but never anything malicious.
As part of my recent mental readjustments I know I can still get hurt but it won’t be intentional, or would at least be managed. I can live with that and place my trust in it.
In feeling my barriers starting to crumble I felt a bit embarrassed that what had been a symbol of personal integrity was wavering. At least I wasn’t mortified as I would have been not so long ago. I could hear the simulacrum of her inside my head having a right old giggle.
There’s several weeks before the next hypnosis sequence starts up and a CP session to negotiate before that. I should have accommodated these new feelings by then and reconciled them with the fact that she now has some very deep unprotected emotions to tweak.
All interdependent and mutually reinforcing the desires to submit, serve, obey and now infatuation are as much a whip to my soul as the dragon tail is to my back and bottom.
Previous posts in this series: