It’s a Wonder That Any D/s Relationship Gets off the Ground

I can’t speak for female subs, but the drivers for a male sub can be pathological.  At some level we are all seeking attention.  This is slanted to the non-pro end of the spectrum where a lot of the bottom feeding fish in the pool hangout.

When the ratio of male subs to female dommes is oft quoted at 100 to 1 his primary question can be what do I have to do to stand out ?  Often this boils down to what do I have to give to make a domme take notice.  If no domme takes notice then his thought processes can lead him to offer more and more extremes.  Even if a domme does pluck him from the pool of obscurity he can feel unworthy and want to give more and more as a means for the attention to continue.

Subs read profiles of dommes, usually because the picture is appealing to various fetishes.  It’s all so easy to spin a web of fantasy around the picture and the few words.  To read what she’s interested in and think that she picks subs based on who can give the most – the hardest version of those kinks.

I have to admit that my early days with chastity followed this pattern to a degree.  When a sub is thinking about what to give to garner the most attention (not that he generally thinks of it like that, he thinks he’s being altruistic), chastity comes out right at the top.  What can be more of a gift than that he offers up his orgasms, right ?

This is one of the most self-centred behaviours there is.  What most subs are looking for is an extended tease and denial.  The amount of attention demanded from a domme in exchange for his ‘gift’ is unreal.  In chastity forums you can see some subs changing their domme on a weekly basis because the previous domme didn’t show enough attention and give permission for him to orgasm when he’d had enough of the tease – off he goes in a tantrum.  I did say that the behaviour can become pathological.

It’s no wonder so many D/s relationships online last only a few days and never make it to exploring reality.  It’s no wonder that dommes get very jaded and cynical at the expressions of undying loyalty broken after a few days.

There’s a question that dommes ask, ‘what can you do for me ?’.  Rarely can the meaning of words be so far apart depending on whether you’re the sub or the domme.  She means, how can you make my life easier ?  In what way can you contribute your skills and time ?  She’s asking can you cook ?  Are you good at DIY ?  Can you be my chauffeur ?

He reads it as an invitation to offer as many of his kinks and fetishes as he can for her to play with, to demand more attention as he ‘gives’ more.

I’ve observed the sad phenomena of testosterone fuelled competitions between subs as they seek attention – which is highly amusing when it’s chastity subs competing as to who has been locked up the longest.  Threads boasting who is the most extreme in different areas of kink, as if a domme will be impressed by little boys having a pissing contest.

These behaviours are all signs of insecurity, a lack of self-confidence that reinforces self-centric behaviour.  The domme is usually no more than a cipher, a means for self gratification.

On reflection I’ve been very lucky in encountering dominant women who have seen much more inside me than I was aware of at the time.  Those who took the time to gently and not so gently disabuse me of those pathological behaviours.  And the biggest gift of all turned out not to be about what extremes I thought I had to give, but one incredible lesson from a combination of those dommes.

The lesson being that genuine and meaningful attention from a domme comes not from the shopping list of kinks and fetishes, instead it comes from who you are.  Sure, kink and fetish may have been the kick-starter for conversation, what kept their interest were all the personality intangibles rarely anything to do with kink.

As a sub it’s a slow burn realisation that someone wants you because of who you are rather than what you’re pretending to be in order to impress them.  The pathological, self-destructive behaviours and fears become excised to be replaced with self confidence in who you are – you no longer need to look at the pool of subs competing for attention and deem yourself lacking and inferior.  And suddenly it’s all turned around because without thinking about it you’re giving to her what she actually wants – yourself.