I’ve been thinking about the way I express myself quite a lot lately. Especially in the speedy way that Twitter makes my mind race too fast. I’ve mentioned in the past that what passes for my extremely dry/gallows/friendly sarcasm in real life is greatly skewed in typed form. Intonation, giggle, smiles and reciprocated put downs and nudges, hugs are absent on Twitter. I know that I’m attempting humour as a socially acceptable deflection. Nowadays I have to self moderate / filter. It’s very difficult to not auto respond with old habits. I find I now retreat and consider a response. Old style was machine gun fire, considered irrational by many. 140 characters was not an asset for someone learning to use their voice.
I’m often told that for my successful recovery I must:
No one has given me the life handbook for learning experience.
This is where I find my disconnect with many people.
I’m told I’m too honest for my own good (what do I do with that comment ??!)
I’m told I’m blunt and very direct. I rarely used to sugar coat my displeasure. In real life and if possible on Twitter, I will go straight to the source and hope the person that’s become butt hurt by me has the opportunity to explain to me why they’ve ‘taken offence’. I’ve not set out ‘to give offence” or intended to be spiteful, especially if I’ve not phrased myself in the way you’d like. Unfortunately most decide they’re totally blameless then play victim, change the narrative and hide behind ‘friends’ to bully by proxy. Women are especially guilty of online/cyber bullying in all its forms, in my experience I’ve been a target, in my previous career and on social media.
For many it’s their constant personality. It’s easier to hide it online. I’ve always been mystified by this behaviour, when I reflect – “what the hell just happened there ?!”
We pretend we’re adult but we all have a bit of keyboard warrior in us. Don’t we ? Yeah we do – Even YOU.
I will put my hands up and say, yes, I have subtweeted. Out of sheer frustration at my real life and inability to get the truth from somebody. We all have become so adept at hiding ourselves, for a majority of very valid reasons, primarily those that could have a major impact on our careers, public life and peer groups.
In addition, I think we all have a duty to be mindful of what we tweet. Especially from an unlocked account. Just because we follow each other does NOT mean we’ve given carte blanche / blanket consent to see ‘extreme’ images or posts / specifics in photo form (any genre), extreme or niche writings (terrorism, all/any physical assaults, violence, child & animal cruelty etc.) by either the account holder or RT into our timelines. “Your account your rules” etc, however, don’t become piously indignant when you find yourself shadow banned or suspended for open unmarked content. I’ve been suspended in the past, the most I could figure out why, the excessive use of the F-bomb. Hence my made up words #Phuque #PhuqueOrf, etc (ironically these words have been used to subtweet me) . Hey, we’re not all perfect. We are meant to be adults that can communicate loudly and proudly for exactly what we want when it comes to putting sex organs, fingers, fists , sextoys/kink paraphinalia in or near any/all our orifices or for the kind of beating we just endured and display our stripes and bruises, but we can’t seem to ‘play nice ‘ on the timelines with those we’ve befriended or want to mutually follow?
Do we need to re establish our tweet rules for buddies as a bio now ? Of course we don’t. It’s a very telling portion of how we want to promote ourselves. Reading bios and wish lists are my guilty pleasure, I do enjoy reading people’s shopping lists for whatever sexual services they provide to garner favour. No judgement on being a sexual being or being honest about your income stream. I find it does reveal more of the person and I like that about them. (I no longer have the figure or currently self confidence to flash my charms, sadly. At times I miss that side of my desire to share more of myself).
Whilst much of this post is questioning my “Twitter relationships”, I do wonder if I expect more from others. I welcome constructive critique. To be insulted and blocked is hardly SSC. I seek the same respect as I give to others, in as much that I can be believed / not dismissed for trying to put myself back together again after being ripped apart by my ‘Mentor/Lover’, whether it’s via tweet/DM or sharing my most vulnerable self in blog posts in any format. I would like to be given the right to reply when I make a mistake otherwise how will I learn to correct my behaviour ? If indeed I was at fault.
There will be probably be many occasions whilst I learn to be perfect like many of you (think you are). Unfortunately, my authenticity means I will be honest, truthful, transparent and have integrity (as much as it is safe to do so). This is a life quality that many don’t appreciate. Direct straight talking truth has made me unpopular. We ask for the truth but on the whole most live in denial.
However justified we feel to subtweet, we should address the person directly and tell the truth for a calm response/closure of a topic. Unfortunately for some, it offers a surfeit of “sport”. We shouldn’t drag others in to silly unimportant things. I still won’t tolerate a liar and that’s my issue – to find a healthy way to deal with my thoughts and feelings.
“I blog to express not impress”
I recall seeing this meme recently. I’m not a collector of people. I prefer to keep my circle tight with like minded people that I’d like to be able to trust. It not you, it’s a very me thing.
I’m taking steps to be a better person. I’m still very confused who I once was. An angry ball of frustration of locked trauma. Sometimes that anger (that I now recognise as grieving) was a ticking time bomb. The slightest spark near touch paper and I would become a passive aggressive firework. People would insult me in snide ways. For the most part I’d let it slide. Ignore / don’t feed Trolls. On occasions, repeated attack by the same individual, I removed myself from a thread, I was named, mocked and subtweeted by this so called ‘great’ person. I unfollowed the person so I wouldn’t show my temper in public. Unfortunately this was taken, by them as fair game for sport and mockery. I felt this was childish, insensitive and unacceptable. I sent a DM expressing my thoughts and actions. To be met with “yeah well I should probably say sorry for that ?” Probably ? This followed their comments on one of my purging tweet threads. This was how I found my voice, I used to timeline purge. I didn’t want replies, neither did I need to be mocked, vilified and insulted when learning to express myself.
I think I have every right to defend myself. Unless of course the other adult has soft blocked me and chooses to spin their own version with their clique set.
Backstory –SwirlingFire arrived on Twitter as a RAPE RECOVERY JOURNAL. Neither following or followed by anyone for several weeks. A strong desire to not engage with anybody nor be bullied again as previously experienced on an old unused, ‘unfiltered thought and comments’ account.
A safe haven that didn’t last very long.
Let’s just remember, why are we subtweeting ?
What don’t we want to broach directly ?
What are we really hoping to achieve when we subtweet ?
We are guilty of a bringing into the forefront a new era of “cyber bullying”and making it commonplace for future generations.
We must not become the society that instigates normalcy that one turns to abusing others by clique pack mentality.
@Swirlingfire, 20 April 2019