SwirlingFire: Consent

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Stomach churning
Tightening against acid burns
Bile rises more often now
Crippling pain that wakes me from sleep
Hot sweats
cold shivers
How delightful
Complicated from Physical damage
Lies balancing on top of more lies
An upturned pyramid
Angled steps heading nowhere
An Escher print of a complicated architectural testament of how expertly the crafted life was portrayed

Ask for proof, the internal voice said,

So I questioned in subtle ways to open free flowing exchange

An expert liar knows how to craft
believable plot lines
How to blend fact with predominantly fiction,
Lies that flowed thick and fast,
Knows how to answer similar questions as it’s been well rehearsed over those last few years
The sympathy stories of a sad life
of sudden pain, shock and torment –
All played out to distract from the truth.
My gut,
ever tighter.

Those early days
When you knew your own mind
Knew it felt wrong
Asked for Information
Told you that you were being silly
You’re not mature enough to handle those games
Made to feel
a fool
for asking.

You were a strong capable young woman
Look at yourself!
Look what he did
Made you lose faith in yourself
Mistrust your own thoughts
Dragged to your knees by stealthy words

Those gut churning feelings
Questioning everything that felt wrong
Not knowing any better
The one you trusted
The only one
A bundle of non connected emotions and empathy
You heard his words, even though he knew they weren’t real
You believed those words smoothly dripping from his forked tongue.

The daily rituals, routines and requests
Photographic evidence demanded
Giving away everything for nothing?
You bloody fool!

The first and last text of the day
Rarely a timely response
A started conversation
Abruptly stops without warning
Remains unanswered
Ignored for hours
As off he trots to service the others
To slither over the other timeline whores
Trawling Your friends list
Fresh targets to take down

When Your plans were cancelled last minute
And lo, behold the manChild – busy with new dates
Don’t you dare ask what’s going on

You signed away the control
You never knew
You held

The absence of saying NO does not equal an enthusiastic YES

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@SwirlingFire 29 June 2019

Sex Bloggers for Mental Health