It’s the weirdest thing.
Seeing my Twitter @name in a compilation list – The Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2019
I’m not a nuts and bolts, dildo testing, vibrator wielding, uncovered gusset angled writer. Whilst, I quickly add – zero judgements of others – this is, after all, how we learn from each other and find our favourite ways to play, express ourselves and exhibit our bodies for all manner of reasons.
I wish at times, I could seek my tribe in this way.
I can’t do that.
I chose anonymity – Not to shield mindWizard but, to protect me from him and the scores of his tribe. I don’t say that lightly. I’m reminded of many occasions I was not safe at his hands – from the stance of keyboard caring, his carefully curated public image, his refutation that I ever met him let alone 70 blogs and scores of unpublished #365words pieces, will still brand me a fantasist and liar. My memory is not that good to craft such tales of his malevolence.
The reality that regular nightmares were not fantasy, the brain was spewing a lifetime of violence, anger and abuse to the forefront. The time when I thought my confidante, sharing information from my therapy and assuring me my stability as my main sail, was in fact burying me alive in a concrete filled sack and using an anchor to bind me to him in the murky disturbed cruel and sadistic bottom of the ocean with his sick “mind rape” games, by taking the worst thoughts one can ever possess about oneself, talking things through, then and only then, storing the information to use against me.
I’ve already swirled off into unconnected, yet very important aspects of how I’ve arrived at today’s post.
My @ name appearing within an INDEPENDENTLY judged list of hundreds of well known, experienced, semi pro and pro writers within the immense world of sexually based writing. It was a massive shock to read about it today (4 Nov 2019). It wasn’t specifically for my own ego or winning a prize.
It was a public thank you – to each and every person that has read any of my pieces, liked with a heart/star to acknowledge my presence and also those who commented – Whether in solidarity, real empathy and understanding, acknowledging similar experiences or thanking me (me!) for telling my truth. The fractured memories that were returning thick and fast. The additional memories of earlier days of betrayal by those one trusts. A literal #SwirlStorm of thoughts, feelings, emotions and truth.
It was also to show those that despise my twitter presence
For those that say I don’t belong with sex bloggers
For those that say i hate other bloggers
For those that insinuate I’m an unpleasant person
For those I say – your words are your own true reflection, question yourself – why do you spread hate, bile and a squalid view of a community you’re proud of ?
Many people that pretended to be my friend, gaining partial trust, only for their self serving purposes, dropping me like a hot stone when I didn’t play ball and allowing my gut reactions to take me by the throat and choke sense back into my oxygen starved brain – thank you, your duplicity pushed me through mind stew to get me to reach today – Still breathing. I can now finally leave them behind, swirling around the gutter, from whence they morphed from primordial gloop.
I thought I would let twitter decide whether or not I belong by adding my hosted page to the voting procedures for new bloggers.
Through a process of varied stages of consideration. I made it onto the Kinkly List.
First genuine shock, then a tidal wave of emotion and tears.
I’ve never belonged anywhere, ever.
Maybe the tide is changing?
The storms partially behind me.
With sincere thanks to:
- Everyone that read my blogs and voted for me
- @sissymaidmelody at melodyinsights.com – my voice of reason whilst I was flailing and drowning
- @TheSplintercat – for more than I ever felt I deserved
- @Saucy_bunny for original artwork and much more
- #WickedWednesday by @rebelsnotes
- #F4Thought with @F4Thought_meme @_floss_84 @May_Matters
- #SexBloggers4MentalHealth @sb4mh by @sassycat38
- @PosyChurchgate – for the initial nudge
- @Sexblogofsorts – for #365words daily exercise
Thank you And apologies to those I’ve not named, primarily for your privacy.
Watch this space and do click on all the above links to observe the hard work bloggers put into their platforms for us.
@Swirlingfire, 4 November 2019