SwirlingFire: The “Why?” Of blogging
The “Why?” Of blogging
I’m forever trying to figure out what I’ve done in this life to attract abusive, malevolent, intrusive, selfish, violent – verbal, physical and bullying – behaviour from two faced judgemental “perfect” people.
It still continues, without direct contact – unprovoked.
There will be more exploratory blogs of processing that will be written before I can turn my back on many and try to restart what’s left of my lifetime
The reasons for my writing have always been as a therapy journal. Especially when I was seeing a Rape Counsellor.
In the beginning it was because I couldn’t speak. Literally. I would stare at the floor, my coffee cup, through the window. I didn’t know the words to say.
Journaling was recommended as a starting point to discuss my thoughts and the mental health support I required reliving trauma. It was also helpful to deal with the harassment I was receiving online, as I found my voice.
Through new Twitter followers, I was then encouraged to write and make my thoughts and frustrations public.
It took a long time to find my own thoughts. Not those I’d been told were mine. I’m still an unwanted interloper in some quarters. I don’t belong with sex bloggers. Apparently. In life as in writing, I attract those damaged and living their own emotional pain and anger. I’ve not had more than ten months on my little section hosted on melodyInsights.com. Yet still causing ripples in someone else’s pond.
Editorial subbing gave structure to my usual AK-47 rapid fire of bullets. A few unfortunately caught as collateral damage.
I always felt sad for one incident in particular. Once hit by the ricochet, intended for someone else that repeatedly insulted me.
I finally let loose.
That third public attack, aimed directly at me, deliberately attaching a third person, was too much for me to process that morning.
It was a time of extreme discovery of my past and, coupled by deliberate triggering from mindWizard.
Definitive moments that proved his true contempt for me was repeatedly meted.
I had found my voice but I’d not yet learnt how to use it. Effectively.
I apologise to @19Syllables for being caught in that incident.
Lately, I ask myself questions and work through my thoughts.
My writing is still heavily sanitised. There is still so much more. Information I will never share. Details I couldn’t share in therapy.
Inappropriate and invasive – ( Badly timed? Absolutely) – ill thought out questions and insensitive unsolicited content/attachments addressed to my DM have mostly ceased and the inquirers have departed to new pastures to get their jollies.
We all have facets to our personalities that would horrify if held accountable.
Others take great online joy pointing out my faults and failings. What a surprise, they don’t accept my responses with the same candour when detailing their own shocking attitudes.
Majority of us don’t see our own faults.
We only find faults, failings and negativity within others.
These perfect specimens – they are so much better than most of us. Invincible and knowledgeable.
Highlighting everyone else’s failing but denial of their own misdemeanours. Upon magnification, we must own our twisted, delusional, unhappy ways. We show folk our own squalid pain and suffering. The higher up the food chain we get, the bigger the drop from grace.
We are the modern day “Wizard of Oz” hiding behind the green curtain.
There are many guilty of far worse by design than I’ve demonstrated by accident – I choose to not screenshot the most recent “wonderful all inclusive community camaraderie” displayed on the timelines.
Those same folk that repeatedly judge me.
My writing harnesses my fragmented journey through sexual assault, rapes and most recently – d/s abuse. Where one memory will attach to another and cause a catalytic explosion of emotion in one place. Instead of hemorrhaging inside a real time frame of tweets, writing allows my thoughts to go from #SwirlStorm to a whisper.
Those former times on the TL ? I felt I should respond. It was an old conditioning to be respectful of others and reply. When a “PhuqueOrf ” was all that was deserved.
My writing (blog posts) have given me greater control of my TL. Those that rarely show respect, unless they want something for themselves, can be comfortably handled without causing me stress.
Writing as an online journal to work through my life
I write for me.
I’m always surprised when told, how many times a piece of writing has been read (not my blog site, no access of stats).
It’s overwhelming to receive comments.
To be heard.
To receive peer review (to date 1 highlighted post, 1 top 3 and 1 resource piece, thank you very much, which are always unexpected and a nod to maybe becoming accepted by several.
To read comments that others relate, in part to my words. It Always stuns me when I’m alerted to comments after reading my words, that people take the time to comment.
I’m not clinically insane.
I write because I have decades of things to say.
I write because I’ve always been silenced.
@Swirlingfire, 24 August 2019
August 29, 2019 @ 7:38 pm
It’s taken me a very long time to get to this point.
“I didn’t come this far to only get this far”
There are those that demand respect, adulation, validation and who knows what else that moulds them into who they are, or want to be.
In a way, I’m glad I ruffle feathers because my thoughts take me and the wonderful readers that chose to click on my blog, under the car hood/bonnet.
The fact I’m even sharing has been a monumental shift.
Thankyou do much for reading and leaving such strong,positive feedback
Life of Elliott...
August 29, 2019 @ 5:55 pm
Hey Swirly, after reading your first paragraph my thought was fuck them! Just be true to yourself, you are the only thing that matters on this blog. As for fitting in with other bloggers, you are a sex blogger, You fit in whatever shape hole you’ve made, never mind the negative ones, that’s life, there are so many good ones to care about you. Keep journaling.
August 28, 2019 @ 3:29 pm
Thankyou Ms Floss
August 28, 2019 @ 8:02 am
I’m glad that writing and friendship shine through here as forces of good in you life, I very much hope that continues for you and as ever thank you for sharing for #F4TFriday 🙂
August 28, 2019 @ 5:43 am
“My writing is still heavily sanitised. There is still so much more. Information I will never share. Details I couldn’t share in therapy”. I feel this is so true. Blogging is an outlet, but it only scratches the surface of who we are. We try and cover the ugly parts, the ones we’re not ready to share. And that’s ok. 😘
August 28, 2019 @ 3:29 pm
I still have private painful journaling to purge.
I think I have “ugly” to the core.
It’s a Russian Roulette for what will next surface.
Thankyou for seeing between the lines 💕
August 27, 2019 @ 8:09 pm
August 27, 2019 @ 4:30 pm
You are seen and heard again. I am glad you are still writing.
August 27, 2019 @ 1:28 pm
Thankyou so much.
Now, I’m curious and wondering what you read 😊
I’m still pushing through memory stew to become more coherent in each blog, as a singular read, rather than somebody knowing my “backstory”.
The Lexy Experiment
August 27, 2019 @ 12:33 pm
Beautifully said. I often learn something from what you write.
August 27, 2019 @ 11:59 am
I am so sorry for everything you have had to go through.
I’m happy you now have the ability to express yourself with words, whether that’s on Twitter or on a blog. Ignore the haters, focus on the friends 😘
August 27, 2019 @ 1:25 pm
If it weren’t for MyEditor and my two most trusted “friend pillars” , then I would have certainly been destroyed on the timeline. Its easier to forgive than forget.
We’re all “disturbed” with MH issues in our lifetimes
Swirly hugs to you 🌻😘
August 27, 2019 @ 8:54 am
Thankyou very much for your kind words. I appreciate it.
A ☆ is just as powerful.
I find I’m moving more towards writing than tweeting. Twitter has lost a lot of charm lately.
Wishing you well with your blog
August 26, 2019 @ 11:12 pm
Just wanted to say you are ‘heard’ here. I don’t use twitter as much as just writing on my blog, regardless I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with even more judgmental people. I may not always know what to say but I do read what you write.
August 26, 2019 @ 8:00 pm
You have plenty to say, and its definitely worth reading!! Thankyou for your support that keeps me pushing forward 💕
August 26, 2019 @ 7:32 pm
August 27, 2019 @ 8:56 am
August 26, 2019 @ 6:09 pm
You go girl! I feel the same as you …. I don’t fit in with the sex bloggers but mine was more a feeling of I wasn’t good enough or didn’t have anything worth sharing. I’m glad you’re finding your voice and becoming a stronger person for writing, sharing and using that voice.