The Assessment & Swirling Twirls
I need more therapy.
There. I said it.
Cue eye rolling and yawns for those that think I should’ve been locked up in a facility with my mouth taped shut a long time ago. It’s easier to know one needs counselling than to actively search for someone qualified without agenda to talk to about life struggles.
I’ve known for a long time I needed to seek out more counselling, however, the last allocation of appointments trawled up far more than I was anticipating. So deep that it took me back to toddler age when I only went to talk about Sexual assaults and unrealised Rapes.
I wasn’t consciously aware that pre-teen was not like everyone else and all of it had been locked away for good.
I never told a living soul about sexual assault until I met (physically touching distance) and communicated with mindWizard. It wasn’t until our second “date” that the Pandoras Box of Horrors were unleashed. Ironically because he thrust his fingers inside my vagina without asking/indicating what he wanted from me.
We agreed we would talk about what he was expecting from a date. Note – what ‘he’ wanted. It was never what was healthy for me. I hadn’t noticed the little nuances. he had already fiddled about inside my thoughts and how I processed what i was doing FOR HIM never for me. It took far too long for me to come to my senses.
All my gut feelings and all the Red Flags of danger before me – he explained them all away as nervous excitement, of “… that’s how it’s (BDSM) done …”
That’s basically where I am today.
How does a relatively intelligent woman that’s streetwise of men get caught and manipulated by an apparently loving caring respectful man that banged on and on about consent ? Unless it was a conversation about my consent. My consent didn’t count ? His boundaries in the way he was my mentor and protector …. (provided all the others didn’t know) he told me he was poly. he was actually a walking talking unethical non-mon player with a temper and mouth that could destroy in a few typed words via SMS … I wasn’t worth that conversation.
I’m not entirely sure if he took Tumblr style pic exchange as consent. Blanket consent. It’s still a very hazy topic as I’m almost certain we never had a fully dressed talk as equals to say what was in play and what was an absolute NEVER. Hmmmmm my People Pleaser self talk crept in there. Did you notice ? Placing a softer edge to my phrasing and doubting myself. It’s THAT subtle. I’ve noticed several times and MyEditor has flagged it several times lately. I’m not aware when I do that. I’m leaking my submissive yearnings all over the place. It’s something I must broach in counselling.
Has my latent submissive nature been a glaringly loud tannoy signal to abusive men to become a sweet easy target and Rape worthy ?
It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen the mindwizard and his smile and soul searching mischievous steely grey eyes. I remember the first time we met as though it were yesterday. Walking to the train station exit from the platform. Seeing him at the ticket barrier. I stopped for what seemed like a minute but was only fraction of a second. I distinctly recall thinking “it’s not too late Girl. You can stop this now. Before it starts”. In that millisecond he’d already seen me as the crowds parted. I saw him. A full face beaming smile. Too late. All I thought was “Oh Phuque. I’m going to Hell”
Back to today
I had a pre-counselling assessment.
This time was so very different than my first time around.
Back then I was confused, scared, ashamed, guilty, angry, sad,but mainly emotionally numb. Falling out of control and realising I’d be badly used and abused in starting to realise that I’d been toyed with in a non consensual d/s “relationship/dynamic”.
“Why are you here and what are you hoping to achieve through counselling?”
Today, holding back the “Hoover dam” full of tears, I was able to speak. I told her about the memories unlocking and this time around, all about mindWizard and the last few years. The counsellor’s face changed from open smiling and compassionate warmth to one of blank unemotional nodding whilst shifting in their armchair. I started to lose My voice. Quite common for me when I’m the centre of another’s interest/focus. I’ve self silenced for so many years that although my voice quivered, this time I could breathe through it.
Except this time was very different
I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed
I wasn’t wasn’t feeling guilty betraying info about other people
I didn’t make excuses for others
I said it:
I’ve been sexually assaulted
I’ve been Raped xxx times
I was placed in non consensual mental bondage by a man I thought cared and respected me.
I’m here because I need to learn how to set my own boundaries.
“I think we can refer you to our anger management sessions too. You have so much more to unpack”
I feel a tiny bit better about myself.
@SwirlingFire 8 April 2019