I was given a collar once, you know.
It didn’t work out too well at the time.
Despite having submissive leanings for years before meeting this lifestyle chastity domme I had a lot to unlearn before I could learn properly what it meant to be a sub. This is what the somewhat tedious stages of early training for a submissive have to clear out. At that stage, as a submissive, the years of fantasy are still uppermost in the mind and despite what you think are best intentions to do otherwise, you are still very self-centred about the whole submission thing.
I don’t know if others have experienced this, it’s something I’ve never had the opportunity to discuss with another sub, but the use of the word “training” had connotations of there being a syllabus and exams at the end. A list of subjects which one studied in turn in order to gain enlightenment. Almost like working through the masonic degrees.
Or, on a more flippant note, it could be viewed as like the piano grade exams. Each new grade being seen as the goal and a reward or trophy to go with it. That wrong-thinking is not much advanced from the earlier self-centric thinking. For me, it triggered all the male competitive instincts.
During this early period with her she intimated that she was thinking of awarding me her collar. Oh, how I wanted that. I wanted the recognition that I was now a good submissive, that I’d gained the requisite knowledge and passed the exam.
In due course there was a small touching ceremony where she put the collar around my neck and I was chuffed to bits.
Less than two weeks later she told me to take it off. What happened in those two weeks ?
Actually, not a lot you could put your finger on directly. But there was a certain cockiness and swagger. Some illusion that I had a greater call on her time and attention. She had had enough and brought me down to earth. It was a lesson that still resonates with me today.
The removal of the collar didn’t end the relationship, it provided a reset and proved to be the best thing she could have done. The relationship went from strength to strength for many years.
It took me a long time to work through the experience and get enough insight to see where the problem was. I saw that collar as a reward for passing some sort of test, it was about me and not a symbol of her ownership. I can’t say it was a symbol of her control either, since I wasn’t yet capable of letting go of my self-centric nature and being controlled. I think the final realisation to close that chapter was the understanding that D/s, and especially the submission side of it, is not a competitive sport – please leave the testosterone at the door.
Over all those subsequent years, did she ever award the collar back again ?
No, she didn’t. Because by the time I became the person that she wanted to award it to, the act of being physically collared was irrelevant. I’d long since been virtually collared and we both understood that unstated symbolism between us. There was no longer any desire for a physical symbol.
I think this experience leaves me at odds with most people’s thoughts on collars and their meaning. I do understand how the symbol is very important in many relationships and I respect their commitment to each other implicit in the statement that a collar makes.
However, at my personal level I have no burning desire to be collared. Perhaps from the experience described here I may have a fear that it would lead me away from the more important things entailed in my submission. Generally, my perception is that if I ever get to a point where someone wants to offer a physical collar, I’ve long since passed the point where I’ve been mentally collared. I doubt this dilemma will ever arise but it would be an interesting (and delicate) conversation.