Emotions: Shaken And Stirred

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Emotions !!  I fear it’s a topic I will return to again and again.

Emotional responses are my clearest means to understanding the flux of melody being in the ascendant.

There is an “I” composed of “him” and “melody” along a spectrum.  For the longest time it was comprised almost entirely of “him”.  To the extent that it’s only now that I can be certain that “melody” got any look in at all.  At the time, I wouldn’t have recognised her.

Mixed EmotionsIt’s now almost a year since “melody” scared the crap out of me by taking total control of the “I”, leaving no room for “him”.

She’s become more reasonable over this past year in that she recognises I have to work and perform socialisation where people need to interact with the person they believe that they know.  She’s prepared to be ascendant on that spectrum of control as opposed to owning the whole damned spectrum.

Somewhat paradoxically, by not grabbing everything and being accommodating within the “I” she maintains her ascendancy for far longer each time.  I suspect that a more equilibrium level of ascendancy requires her to use less energy and consequently she stays around a lot longer.

It’s undeniable that her ascendancy correlates initially to the brainwashing sessions and now also to the general hypnosis sessions.  When they first intruded the emotions were somewhat random.  Now ?  They have become focused as the hypnosis has worn down a barrier I put in place at the beginning.

I realise that I’ve been groping for some words to define a concept on which much of this understanding is pinned.  In essence it is my relationship between feelings and emotions.

It’s easy to see them as one and the same thing and when only “him” dealt with them, they almost certainly were the same thing.  However, melody introduces a whole new factor in to the equation.  Feelings, about a situation or person, are the constant whoever is ascendant within the “I”.  Emotions are how the different persona handles those feelings.

Sounds complicated ?  Bear with me, even if it sounds like I’m splitting hairs.

He has had all those feelings.  The highs and lows of relationships and submission.  He dealt with them from a very young age by closing down emotion, forcing them to drain before they consciously manifest.

Emotion-03The barrier I constructed when I embarked on the hypnosis and subsequent D/s with this domme was not an actual barrier to emotion, it was a barrier against feelings.  The rationale being that I’d last been in an owned D/s relationship with deep personal feelings experienced and expressed.  Largely I was scared to fall in to the same intensity of feelings in a different type of D/s relationship where the boundaries were more formal.  I was scared that I would be driven to cross the boundaries and bring everything to a crashing halt.

No, or minimal, feelings – no need to handle any associated emotions.

It’s that barrier against feelings that has been worn away by persistent hypnosis.  There’s a point where submission can’t go any deeper without stirring intense feelings.  The relatively abstract concept of submission that initially existed becomes increasingly focused on that one person.  You can’t get away from the fact that this generates strong feelings that have to be dealt with.

Each hypnosis session stirs the cauldron.  Not just enhancing submission, but helping melody be more and more active as the “I”.  And what do we know about melody ?  Yes, she thrives on emotion.

All the emotion that “he” used to quietly drain as feelings arose is now prime banquet fodder for melody, suppression is not an option.

When I consider how scary melody latching on to emotion was almost 12 months ago, it’s a fascinating thing about the human condition how quickly we adapt to normalise our environment.  With melody stirred up and in control of the “I” it’s familiar to feel on the edge of tears for days at a time for no apparent reason.  I can feel the dommely grin at that because it’s only a matter of time before I find she’s taken me/melody over the edge in to actual flowing tears.

For someone who has spent their career in logic and rationality, experiencing the irrational is a whole new universe.

What I do recognise from all this is that the presence and ascendancy of melody is accelerating with the flux of emotion.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep her to the agenda we arrived at only a few months ago.  The emotion driven decisions that she thrives on seemingly propel her ever faster to her own goals.